Bad Weather

On this saturday, my storms were epic.  I rest easily now and gather my energies before I warm myself into my thick coat and go for the long walk.  I might need more scotch, another layer, an extra scarf.. tonite, it's predicted to be cold as ever.  Make no mistakes, i never lied to you.. i'll see you, if that is my last waking moment in action.  I'll be reaching like I always have.

august 22 two's

damn. i got work today, and i am super dreading it. at least its late shift and nothing to do tomorrow..

i've had some intense, profound, funny as shit moments and conversations in the past few days haha and at one point in time, i maybe just might feel like writing about any one of them in here..


ohh plus ill saadiq/monae post. i guess right now just getting used to updating consistently..
outside lands, welcome to the city of st francis!

Trigger Happy

cheese! my weekend, picture form.




or if you in a sentimental mood..




Marelie, my brother says thank you!


my beautiful parents..










most of all, i think i really enjoyed the family time. in more recent months, i taken myself away from good ol' qt with the fam. i think its an accumulation of a lot of mistakes and reckless thinking and actions that makes me feel ashamed in some sense in the part i play in my family. i go out a lot, try do my thang thang, often neglecting time, the most important part of any relationship, spent with fam. i am at a point in my life where i want to change this.

it seems as though my 'i love yous' have become rare.
its not that i dont mean it, it just got a hell of a lot harder to say.
most importantly, this post made me realize how much i love my parents, regardless of how hard the shit we go through is.
love ya'll, more grateful than i was taught to show..

lovely standards

this is a man

who thinks with his heart but his heart is not always wise
this is a man who stumbles and falls this is a man who tries
this is a man you forgive and forgive and help and protect for as long as you live.
he will not always say what you would have him say
but now and then he'll say something wonderful
the thoughtless things he'll do will hurt and worry you
then all at once hell do something wonderful
he has a thousand dreams that wont come true
you know that he believes in them
and thats enough for you

..he'll always need your love

oh girl, all i do

philosophy:

when it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender. surrender to the plea that you must love yourself before you can love another. you must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you accept the flaws of another.

David Beckhams in the Trunk

a breath of fresh air when the smoke in my head doesn't want to clear.. i've always needed music to mellow out.

"but i know it's possible.."

No crumpled piece of paper can never be undone.
Even torn, man created things to connect. Like bridges
Or glue
So that things can be repaired, fixed, reconnected; back to normal.
With the right mindset of renewal, all that might have been lost can live happily as it once had.
Id tell you you were wrong if you told me that a crumpled piece of paper couldn’t be undone to become new.
to be canvas stretched tightly for me to repaint,
or provide lines that read my childhood dreams and believed me more than you ever would,
or blankness amidst today's chaos that meant something like healing or a fresh start,
that i couldn't refold that sheet into paper planes departing for self-worth and acceptance.
When you crumple paper, you basically create lines..
lines of mistakes, or anguish, or stress.
that, or make garbage meant to be thrown away, forgotten even.
And we do that.. as humans, we throw away, far too easily creating landfills of raw emotion alongside mountains of memory and old toned pictures of oblivion.

We always want to forget..

perhaps even to the point where our sole purpose is to live happily but without a lot of the truths that separate us from animals.
And trust me, I want to remember everything,
the universe just makes it hard sometimes.
Honestly tho, there's just too much chaos, sadness, garbage to not undo a weathered piece of paper someday and see what happens.

people really do change.

desiderata

my sis visited me a couple years back(chestnut 219), and from that trip i remember one thing distinctly. upon departure, she left me with a note. i only stumble across it every once in a while.. rarely think back to it. but when i do, i gather this feeling that life ain't half bad if you take care of it and yourself.. It was a piece written by a dude named max ehrmann in the 1920s. peep:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

if i had the uncanny ability to write life directions, it would probably go as previously stated. there is that necessity to just be open-minded.. as simple as that may seem. i dunno.. i guess with everything out there, we all gotta take what we can from it to be better.

because sometimes we must let go.

once a place for luminous stories of love; my social commentary to a world i had created in my own head. fantasies of reconciled pasts, inebriated research philosophies. from that, i progress. because not only will this be that platform for me, but instantaneously i am more practiced at the lifelong art of letting go.

we stay cycled up, finding peace in what we have become.
to accept that past is past, and to limit my natural reaction to regret.
to align my goals with who i am now, which is far from easy, but more than important.
this is me, when my voice is scared to tell you how i feel.
i write, and this is me.

take me as i am, please. this is all i have to give.