these things.. way larger than me, im beginning to learn how to stand up against.
trust me, i'm still me
and
only me
but God/dess willing, (+ considering we as a community/country/people of color, and my family in itself have sooo much to fight for and prove right now,)
are on the v e r ge of something special.
everyone who reads this probably knows my family is a hyphy bunch.
i lost two very great gentlemen in my life in a span of 17 hours early this year..
dudes i grew up with under the same roof, until i moved to daly city.
(415) 648-8735
i'll never forget the phone number to that house. it was my emergency contact.
emergency room.. he's lying there fragile but more alive then most of us when we party.
because he was still listening. to prayers and songs. to an ipod of lowrider oldies like a true frisco og. my uncle frankie was a true frisco og.
worked at the liquor store on the corner of mission and 29th that turned into a fried chicken spot.
hooked it up fatty with hot cheetoes and candy..
hot headed, like me. aahaha angry.. like me = /
single father. raised my childhood hero who finally rose up from the ashes i blew at her. strong and heavy like anvils, she was. my cousin she is.
"a flower that grow in the ghetto know more about survival then the one from fresh meadows..
SHE GOT LOVE FOR THE SUN!"
we played basketball together. she was better than me, but i was a boy so i couldnt lose.
i played rough. so i wouldnt lose. and now.. i lost because i let pride eat me from the inside without thinking that people are going through more shit. life shit.
the other day she flew back to kuwait to fight a crazy man's war. i dont think that if i told her i loved her, she would believe me..
but i do. i swear im nothing without certain people in my life, including her. she is a queen shackled in chains of disbelief and worry. with a heater in case its necessary.. and a darker heart cus she lost a man she loved in her life.
jenna, im sorry and i love you.
and my greatGRANDfather
great, grand. a century of life, seen some shit. loved and lost and loved again.
he crowned me family man, mateo. for anyone who didnt understand why i introduce myself as mateo sometimes. and you laugh because you think its petty of me to try and change my name 20 years into my life. it was because of him. it means something.
last i seen, a province in baguio he was there holding my hand, said mateo, and feel asleep piss drunk offa one beer. what a g..
in the old house, i used to help him crush his beer cans so he could recycle. haha maybe jsut a reason for him to drink beer.
they told me, his heart outlived its pacemaker. tell me that is not a miracle and i will choke the sun and tell him he's not worth the light.
green envious monsters of jealousy, dark nights in history, unwanted touches, bloody wrists, wrong words, racism, fucked up departments at school, silence, death, losing, death, forgiveness.. death.
it's all a part of yesterday that im beginning to learn how to stand up against.
who are your demons and when will you befriend then to make you grow?
January 23, 2009
January 21, 2009
what do i know?
See I never really new life could be so hard
I never really new pain till I got scared
I never knew people could be so cold
I never knew wrong til I was ten years old
I never knew fighten til I got my ass kicked
I never knew gettin' got til I got tricked
I never knew healthy til I got sick
And I never knew people killed people so quick
Yo, I never knew mind power could be so deep
And I never knew hardship was mine to keep
And I never knew the wolves attack the sheep in their sleep
And I never knew people played people so cheap
Yo, I never knew that we was in such bad shape
And I never knew what I would have to do for the papes
And I never knew that I would put my life on tape
And I never knew hip hop would be my escape
See I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But, never say never because it never comes true
Hey yo, I never knew that some nigga's just don't bury beef
I never knew that I brought you so much grief
I never knew that you was a two time thief
The way you stole my heart was beyond belief
Yo, I never knew my medicine would come in a leaf
And I never knew that life could be so brief
And I never knew that I would get no relief
I never knew so many Indians that wanna be chief
Yo, I never knew the wrong move could cost yo life
And I never knew the wrong move could cause yo strife
And I never knew money could just buy you fun
And I never knew so much power came with a gun
Yo, I never knew that I would have such bad luck
And I never knew the next man could get you stuck
And I never knew lighting til I got struck
And I never knew that you would go so low for the buck
Yo, I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But, never say never because it nver comes true
See, I never knew the future would be like the past
And I never knew a woman could just slang that ass
Yo, I never knew that you were so sassafras
I never knew that you played the game so fast
I never knew that there was no time to waste
And I never knew no one who could take your place
Yo, I never knew reality til you showed me a taste
And I never knew how you made my heart beat race
Yo, I never knew courage until I got brave
And I never knew discipline until I behaved
And I never knew freedom until I became a slave
And I never knew that I would take this to the grave
Yo, I never knew that I had so much to lose
And I never knew I had so many to choose
And I never knew an ego was so easily bruised
And I never knew the game until I studied the rules
See I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But never say never because it never comes true
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew that it would be about the revenue
Never say never because it never comes true
Oh, I never knew that you didn't know what they was telling you
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew this about the heaven and the hell in you
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew
I never really new pain till I got scared
I never knew people could be so cold
I never knew wrong til I was ten years old
I never knew fighten til I got my ass kicked
I never knew gettin' got til I got tricked
I never knew healthy til I got sick
And I never knew people killed people so quick
Yo, I never knew mind power could be so deep
And I never knew hardship was mine to keep
And I never knew the wolves attack the sheep in their sleep
And I never knew people played people so cheap
Yo, I never knew that we was in such bad shape
And I never knew what I would have to do for the papes
And I never knew that I would put my life on tape
And I never knew hip hop would be my escape
See I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But, never say never because it never comes true
Hey yo, I never knew that some nigga's just don't bury beef
I never knew that I brought you so much grief
I never knew that you was a two time thief
The way you stole my heart was beyond belief
Yo, I never knew my medicine would come in a leaf
And I never knew that life could be so brief
And I never knew that I would get no relief
I never knew so many Indians that wanna be chief
Yo, I never knew the wrong move could cost yo life
And I never knew the wrong move could cause yo strife
And I never knew money could just buy you fun
And I never knew so much power came with a gun
Yo, I never knew that I would have such bad luck
And I never knew the next man could get you stuck
And I never knew lighting til I got struck
And I never knew that you would go so low for the buck
Yo, I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But, never say never because it nver comes true
See, I never knew the future would be like the past
And I never knew a woman could just slang that ass
Yo, I never knew that you were so sassafras
I never knew that you played the game so fast
I never knew that there was no time to waste
And I never knew no one who could take your place
Yo, I never knew reality til you showed me a taste
And I never knew how you made my heart beat race
Yo, I never knew courage until I got brave
And I never knew discipline until I behaved
And I never knew freedom until I became a slave
And I never knew that I would take this to the grave
Yo, I never knew that I had so much to lose
And I never knew I had so many to choose
And I never knew an ego was so easily bruised
And I never knew the game until I studied the rules
See I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But never say never because it never comes true
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew that it would be about the revenue
Never say never because it never comes true
Oh, I never knew that you didn't know what they was telling you
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew this about the heaven and the hell in you
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew
January 20, 2009
January 19, 2009
i can't afford to stop
i'm type polite but yo i'm looking at her skeptically
cus babygirl got all the right weaponry
cus babygirl got all the right weaponry
January 14, 2009
bless up
last night we went out to milk for reggae nite
it was so sensual, the music.. it moves me
that's what you do to my head and i don't want to let you know
because i'm scared..
you don't always need someone to dance with but its almost always better.
dance with me.
it was so sensual, the music.. it moves me
that's what you do to my head and i don't want to let you know
because i'm scared..
you don't always need someone to dance with but its almost always better.
dance with me.
January 4, 2009
frankie
pray for God to accept him.. he's gonna keep them company.
nay, what do you need from the grocery store? tomatoes? onions?
brother, don't leave me
he used to cry for me..
grace be on this world.
i'll see you tomorrow
have no fear in your heart..
do not make me do this on my own.. please
nay, what do you need from the grocery store? tomatoes? onions?
brother, don't leave me
he used to cry for me..
grace be on this world.
i'll see you tomorrow
have no fear in your heart..
do not make me do this on my own.. please
January 2, 2009
bittersweet.
i want to fall, and know you will be the one to catch me.
what scares me is that i know you will.
you tell me everything, like an open book.
detailed to the very core of your soul.
the kind of qualities little girls, women, look for in another.
the ones you only see in movies.
the ones others long for.
you want to fall, and know i will be the one to catch you.
what scares YOU, though, is that you may not know i will.
i tell you half of what i feel.
and like a book, but the ones where cruel individuals rip out the end pages,
not knowing what will happen at the end.
not knowing if it was even worth the time to read.
the kinds of qualities others steer away from.
the ones you only see in movies.
the ones others do not long for.
you make me vulnerable, and it scares me.
i live to love, yet, i am trapped with the shields and defenses running all around me,
like an island in the middle of no where.
i am trapped and content, though i want to break free and give you my heart.
no chains. no locks.
the very thing that i long for.
i make you vulnerable, and it scares you.
you are not trapped but you are cautious.
like a soldier with your defenses, but you throw in the white flag thinking it is a draw.
thinking we were always on the same side.
giving your heart.
no barriers. no traps.
the very thing that you wish i would take.
in the end of this, i am only protecting you.
i am a poison. i am not the very thing you need.
i push you away, only to take you back.
like a yo-yo that a child plays with.
but unlike any one else,
i am not playing with your head and heart.
i know i am difficult.
i know i am on the fence.
but i feel what i feel.
i am just scared to fall.
what scares me is that i know you will.
you tell me everything, like an open book.
detailed to the very core of your soul.
the kind of qualities little girls, women, look for in another.
the ones you only see in movies.
the ones others long for.
you want to fall, and know i will be the one to catch you.
what scares YOU, though, is that you may not know i will.
i tell you half of what i feel.
and like a book, but the ones where cruel individuals rip out the end pages,
not knowing what will happen at the end.
not knowing if it was even worth the time to read.
the kinds of qualities others steer away from.
the ones you only see in movies.
the ones others do not long for.
you make me vulnerable, and it scares me.
i live to love, yet, i am trapped with the shields and defenses running all around me,
like an island in the middle of no where.
i am trapped and content, though i want to break free and give you my heart.
no chains. no locks.
the very thing that i long for.
i make you vulnerable, and it scares you.
you are not trapped but you are cautious.
like a soldier with your defenses, but you throw in the white flag thinking it is a draw.
thinking we were always on the same side.
giving your heart.
no barriers. no traps.
the very thing that you wish i would take.
in the end of this, i am only protecting you.
i am a poison. i am not the very thing you need.
i push you away, only to take you back.
like a yo-yo that a child plays with.
but unlike any one else,
i am not playing with your head and heart.
i know i am difficult.
i know i am on the fence.
but i feel what i feel.
i am just scared to fall.
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