i don't think i'll ever be able to accept it.
i would give anything just to see you again.
i would have been able to save you...
i miss you so much.
December 28, 2008
December 19, 2008
when the going gets tough...
i love my moments of clarity.
i know the past few days, i've been in a rut. mopping around because things don't make sense; because i don't know where i'm headed in life. but that's the beauty of it, i think. i may be lost, i may not have a good sense of direction as in "career-wise," but i know my goals. i know i can do this.
i'm living in this world with all these challenges, all these obstacles, but, what's life without them?
i love the world and my life, wholeheartedly.
i know i complain, but who doesn't? i am only human. it is only when you realize that there are more things in life than this one thing, that your are a good person.
i believe i am. open-minded to everything. arms wide open to EVERYTHING that comes my way.
i want to experience it all and cherish memories forever.
i may not do things or be the person others want me to; i may not come out on top, but i am absolutely okay with that.
i am me, and you are you.
...and i love you, as i do with everyone in my life.
i adore. i love.
thank you for all you've done for me. i can never repay for what ya'll has done for me, but i will always keep trying by giving you my everlasting love, friendship and helping out whenever you need me.
when you need me, i'm here.
ALWAYS & FOREVER.
i know the past few days, i've been in a rut. mopping around because things don't make sense; because i don't know where i'm headed in life. but that's the beauty of it, i think. i may be lost, i may not have a good sense of direction as in "career-wise," but i know my goals. i know i can do this.
i'm living in this world with all these challenges, all these obstacles, but, what's life without them?
i love the world and my life, wholeheartedly.
i know i complain, but who doesn't? i am only human. it is only when you realize that there are more things in life than this one thing, that your are a good person.
i believe i am. open-minded to everything. arms wide open to EVERYTHING that comes my way.
i want to experience it all and cherish memories forever.
i may not do things or be the person others want me to; i may not come out on top, but i am absolutely okay with that.
i am me, and you are you.
...and i love you, as i do with everyone in my life.
i adore. i love.
thank you for all you've done for me. i can never repay for what ya'll has done for me, but i will always keep trying by giving you my everlasting love, friendship and helping out whenever you need me.
when you need me, i'm here.
ALWAYS & FOREVER.
December 18, 2008
two sides of the scale.
i am always one AND the other, simultaneously.
Im Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado
Echo - Incubus
Im Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado
Echo - Incubus
December 17, 2008
....
i love the world.
i hate the world.
i love to love, yet i'm scared to give my heart away.
i'm simple, yet just as complex.
i have my artistic side, yet i don't think i'm creative.
i'm a homebody, though i long for the night life.
i love everyone in my life and the ones i encounter, yet i'm so shy to meet people.
i always forgive, but i never forget.
i know what i want, yet i don't even know.
i'm positive.
i'm negative.
i'm content.
i'm miserable.
i'm collected.
i'm scattered.
i'm indecisive.
i'm a libra.
i hate the world.
i love to love, yet i'm scared to give my heart away.
i'm simple, yet just as complex.
i have my artistic side, yet i don't think i'm creative.
i'm a homebody, though i long for the night life.
i love everyone in my life and the ones i encounter, yet i'm so shy to meet people.
i always forgive, but i never forget.
i know what i want, yet i don't even know.
i'm positive.
i'm negative.
i'm content.
i'm miserable.
i'm collected.
i'm scattered.
i'm indecisive.
i'm a libra.
"I'm just a fucked up girl, trying to find her own peace of mind"
you know when you have so much on your plate and you try to fix them, but you don't even know where to start.
i'm floating in this beautiful/horrid place we call "earth" and i don't know when i'm going to fall. or that feeling of falling for eternity. when will i ever stop falling?
but maybe that's the problem. maybe i need to stop "trying" to keep my feet on the ground and just "let it be."
stop trying to force things and just go with it.
JUST BE.
my thoughts and emotions fluctuate like i'm diagnosed of having a mild case of bipolar disorder. yeah, i know..i'm really messed up in the head, but at least i admit it, right?
and another thing, why's it so hard to help people? yeah, i know you need your license to actually take care of people for legal reasons and accountability, and i GUESS to show you know what you're doing but...that's all book work.
and i'm sure as hell most nurses are doing this just for the money.
shit, don't call me a nurse bec i don't even believe i can pass that NCLEX and get that "money"...but i WANT to help people. WHY CAN'T I JUST PACK UP AND LEAVE and join the peace corps in an instant?
why must you need qualifications to help out? i don't get it.
so here i am, floating/wandering off into the infinite abyss and i don't know if/when i'll ever be ready to know what i want; when will i ever be ready to settle down; why i won't allow myself to give my heart away.
it's ironic that one of my favorite quotes is, "It is safe to let love in. Love is your divine right." - Louise L. Hay,
yet, i can't even live by it.
i want to. i'm trying to. i'm hoping, i do.
Dream Horses by Pablo Neruda
A burden to myself, glimpsing myself into mirrors
with a taste for weeks, biographers, old papers,
I wrench hell's captain from my heart
and lay down sad equivocating clauses.
I drift from place to place, wash down illusions,
talk to the tailors in their nests:
repeatedly, with cold and fatal voice,
they sing and chase enchantments off.
There is a country stretched across the sky
strewn with the rainbow's superstitious carpets
and evening's vegetation:
that way I go - not without some fatigue,
trading grave loam, fresh from the spade
dreaming among these doubtful greens.
I pass through relished documents, through lineages,
dressed like an aborigine and beaten down;
I love the wasted honey of respect,
the dulcet catachism between whose leaves
violets sleep, grow old and fade away,
and brustling brooms looking for help:
in their appearance grief and certitude conjoined.
I ruin the whistling rose, the wracking worry,
I break beloved extremes : and worse than that
await a uniform, immeasurable time -
a taste on the soul's tongue which wears me down.
What a day it's been! What a thick milk light
compact, as if white fingered, favours me!
I heard its red horse neighing
bare-backed, unshod and radiant.
I ride him over churches
gallop through garrisons empty of soldiers
pursued by a raffish army.
His eucalyptus eyes plunder the darkness,
his bell-like body gallops as it strikes.
I need a flash of that persistent brightness,
a feast of kinsmen claiming all i own.
with a taste for weeks, biographers, old papers,
I wrench hell's captain from my heart
and lay down sad equivocating clauses.
I drift from place to place, wash down illusions,
talk to the tailors in their nests:
repeatedly, with cold and fatal voice,
they sing and chase enchantments off.
There is a country stretched across the sky
strewn with the rainbow's superstitious carpets
and evening's vegetation:
that way I go - not without some fatigue,
trading grave loam, fresh from the spade
dreaming among these doubtful greens.
I pass through relished documents, through lineages,
dressed like an aborigine and beaten down;
I love the wasted honey of respect,
the dulcet catachism between whose leaves
violets sleep, grow old and fade away,
and brustling brooms looking for help:
in their appearance grief and certitude conjoined.
I ruin the whistling rose, the wracking worry,
I break beloved extremes : and worse than that
await a uniform, immeasurable time -
a taste on the soul's tongue which wears me down.
What a day it's been! What a thick milk light
compact, as if white fingered, favours me!
I heard its red horse neighing
bare-backed, unshod and radiant.
I ride him over churches
gallop through garrisons empty of soldiers
pursued by a raffish army.
His eucalyptus eyes plunder the darkness,
his bell-like body gallops as it strikes.
I need a flash of that persistent brightness,
a feast of kinsmen claiming all i own.
December 15, 2008
here goes everything
well, im off.. in an open ended attempt to recapture what little of my heart there is left for this world.
wish me luck!
wish me luck!
December 8, 2008
"enjoy life. be kind"
a new friend of mine shared with me..
been thinking a lot about life and how i live it... what i like and dislike about my personal life philosophies...
i came up with two sentences that seem to command my being into happiness.
enjoy life. be kind.
it's hard work, really... to remind myself daily to do these two things, non-conflictingly. but i'm working on it. i can go on and on about how complicated these two sentences are... how complicated we've made our lives, and how hard it really is to live in society in this day and age and do those two very simple things... but i wont.
another thing i've been thinking is how people, myself, get so obsessed with one thing, be it materialistic baubles or lovers... so obsessed that we stop being able to see the bigger picture. lately, ive been so wrapped up with the whole "he said, she said" tip, that i get so upset and i drive myself to madness pretty much. so this time, i put on my headphones, let all the noise around me drown in my music and realize there's so much more than just this one thing. yes, your business should only be YOURS and no one else's to tell. and that's how it always should be bec it sucks when you have to feel like there's no one to turn to. but i'm dwelling and obsessing over something that 1- is beyond my control (bec everyone does it in some way or another) and 2- doesn't even matter in the grander sceme of things. so then i thought about all the things i've become so attached to, and how it's blinded me from clarity- life. all the clothes i've bought, the people i've pined over... all of the time wasted not really feeling truly in my own body. and then i thought about my body, and how very attached to life i was... and how very short-lived it is. usually this thought really depresses me, because i never want the good to end. who does?
but then i realized that it IS beautiful. life is beautiful BECAUSE it's not permenant. it makes you really appreciate the things around you, i hope. i do. i'm trying, and sometimes it's overwhelming. anyway, to sum it up in a sentence, don't take life too seriously, it's only temporary.
been thinking a lot about life and how i live it... what i like and dislike about my personal life philosophies...
i came up with two sentences that seem to command my being into happiness.
enjoy life. be kind.
it's hard work, really... to remind myself daily to do these two things, non-conflictingly. but i'm working on it. i can go on and on about how complicated these two sentences are... how complicated we've made our lives, and how hard it really is to live in society in this day and age and do those two very simple things... but i wont.
another thing i've been thinking is how people, myself, get so obsessed with one thing, be it materialistic baubles or lovers... so obsessed that we stop being able to see the bigger picture. lately, ive been so wrapped up with the whole "he said, she said" tip, that i get so upset and i drive myself to madness pretty much. so this time, i put on my headphones, let all the noise around me drown in my music and realize there's so much more than just this one thing. yes, your business should only be YOURS and no one else's to tell. and that's how it always should be bec it sucks when you have to feel like there's no one to turn to. but i'm dwelling and obsessing over something that 1- is beyond my control (bec everyone does it in some way or another) and 2- doesn't even matter in the grander sceme of things. so then i thought about all the things i've become so attached to, and how it's blinded me from clarity- life. all the clothes i've bought, the people i've pined over... all of the time wasted not really feeling truly in my own body. and then i thought about my body, and how very attached to life i was... and how very short-lived it is. usually this thought really depresses me, because i never want the good to end. who does?
but then i realized that it IS beautiful. life is beautiful BECAUSE it's not permenant. it makes you really appreciate the things around you, i hope. i do. i'm trying, and sometimes it's overwhelming. anyway, to sum it up in a sentence, don't take life too seriously, it's only temporary.
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