About Me?

I filled out this questionnaire about myself: dreams, favorites, things like that.. Came up with a mosaic of images that are supposed to represent the way i think or choose what I would like to represent me. I like this, surely I am bound to do more with different topics of interest. For now, this is who I am in some weird photographic way.

"so broke yet soo educated" - e-mass

never understood why the power/ability to take on occupations was never met by being accepted into occupations/fields of study.. stupid equations

at some point, I believe there was a time where the best woodworkers were carpenters and lumberjacks, the best teachers were educated and insightful, the best anything did what she or he did best if only to support her or his surrounding community.

i'm hopeless b/c i've only been taught so much about how to make this world revolve better..
+
i'm hopeful because there are infinite possibilities

= muust stand stronnng! ugghh [if you won't do it, i will.]
i'm going to do this for everyone that has lost faith in themselves and the peers God/dess has blessed them with.

If we had computer love, you could hack my Myspace..

Her double standards restart me.

I take myself back a little and re-wire my system.

I don't understand HTML. =/

It is always always always a decision we make..

"I know they're not recording."

Slowly, but surely I am starting to fit into my own skin. I feel it. All of my relationships, those that I know a piece of me must remain in to find sanity, those are being maintained in some odd (but not) way. I feel like, and trust haha I already see the cliche-ness to it all, this might be the rest of my life. Given, it only takes but a day I do not take for granted, I start to feel extra comfortable in my cycles. Today seemed extra that. Suffix a good night's rest to a bad day's unrest, I awoke to a faint noise, that of the television left on. Those nights happen frequently, too tired to even decide to call it a nite.. I just passed out. We re-moved around the house and no one room feels comfortable enough to me anymore, so I kind of just .. sleep. I woke up extra groggy, I haven't eaten anything substantial in a few days, yada yada. When I wake up, I try to stretch off my sleep and I notice that my physical strength is not comparable to how I normally feel when I wake up. I am starting to recognize my body as a grown ass adult in this game we've always played, giving and gaining energys, running (literally and metaphorically) or walking, constantly dying or living (whether we want to spend today as an optimist or not), passing days by or making 'em. It is always always always a decision we make. The Maker knows my decision making has been poor at best, but I've been alive. Surely, that is not enough. The key to living isn't just being alive. It can't be.. and at this point in time, I feel, and therefore am, weak.

I give myself credit when credit is due, and I wholeheartedly have learned to love myself. This trial has been difficult.. I've lost people I loved more than I knew love to mean because of fault and wrecklessness, lust and tempt. I've weakened foundations in friendships because not telling the truth is always easy. I buried myself deep in regret.. miles under self-hatred and misery. I've come to understand that this.. this is ok. Not something to hold my head up high about, but me, of all people, can tell you a lot about change. Please don't denounce me for the things of my past, for they are menial and lackluster in comparison to the light I would like to shine on this world.. and take my past lightly, in a sense that I was and never have been ill-willed with any of my mistakes. I don't bask in my human-ness, not one bit. That is just the beginning.

As we are all constantly growing up, it is not (in my understanding) my purpose at all to tell people what to do or how to do things more righteously. I am half the socialist, teacher, person, brother, companion, lover, son, folk, fam, etc etc I've ever even dreamed of becoming, but i've never stopped dreaming of becoming. I can't because this world is too dried out. I waterfall this stuff, stream it, cry it. My dreams let me hold on to past loves intimately, not awkwardly or disrespectfully and be active in new ones. My dreams make me whole, more full, smarter in my attempts to make days, not just let them pass.

This all started with me not being able to just.. sleep I guess, feeling alright with the day that just happened. Please don't be presumptuous about any of this haha I'm fine with not having to find reason or acceptance with anything I do or think. They're all thoughts and I just like to think.

Sick, but progressing

I've been sick the past few days, symptoms incl. coughing, stuffy nose, cold sweats, funny voice.  I got home from work yesterday afternoon around 4:45 pm and from then to now (~22 hours) I slept 16.  Now, I feel ten times better but my physical body is stupid weak.  I ate hella jook aka anti-sick aka arriscaldo and other various soups within those days I had been blasted and i'm guessing i'm lackin' all kinds of vitamins and nutrients.  Time to revive!

Break it down like, yeah I don't treat myself well.  In my memory box, it all turns into one extended night, so imagine in my one memory folder for the past week or so I went Bottom's Up right after work, Poleng with Patrick San Weezy and my fam from the Town, Minna for that D2S event where some folks spun [Whattup Daniel.. sign my Don't Eat the Crayons Mix pleaaase hahah] , dinner and bowling with SC folks who don't bowl at bowling alleys and Happy Birthday Sammie!  Then 8am the next morning.  Mean ass way to treat myself, no doubt.

I frequent this point where I want change so badly, but it takes a whole new environment to totally release oneself from certain thoughts like who's not going to drink if we always go to a bar?  Shit like that.. 

I'm going to take the easy route to personal health, and I don't even like Jamba Juice that much... but i'm a stupid ass amerikan who feels better that i'm feeding myself fruits but go and do some stupid shit like outdrink my fifth.  

ehh time to get ready for work.  call me when September ends.

Hope you doing aight up there..

Been listening to Pac a lot lately.  Maybe someday I could join you for a drink?

Thank God for my new used iPod..

ughh.. im a little upset with your decision making. 

Labor Day Weekend

Since Thursday, I participated in one hell of a weekend and it was all pretty tiring. Eric came back from Washington and Jum always wants to show how big we can do it. We did the guido thing haha "shower in that sh*t" and then the usual watering hole.  Sarah joined us and brought along her friend Reanne, pretty sure i didn't spell that right.  Saturday SC for Marelie's b-day (see previous post).  Sunday, did a little St. Francis day celebration.  The sun was warm,  this last 'ideal' summertime effort is quite commendable, San Francisco.  We did the whole union square thing.  Ate dinner at Pizza Orgasmica and had crepes at Genki.  We pondered getting messed up at some random acoustic nite dive but ended up splitting ways (Goodnite Jum and Rob!) and drove to the Stack, me, Bryan, Jill, Justine, and Patrick.  We drank and sang, good ol' Filipino fun.  Car rides always seem to flip errone out.  We talked about relationships again, i think at this point in all our lives, we want everything to be substantial, even our freedom.  A lot of people's interest seems to be based on an ego game everyone plays, wanting or needing to feel loved, appreciated, or attached.  I'm banking on the fact that all my friends are capable of the giving and receiving of love, despite how fucked up, reckless, forgetful, insecure etc etc we allll get haha.

And through all of this, I managed to minimally scratch the bug bites on my belly.. quite possibly, the most physically uncomfortable I have felt since chickenpox.  

Birthdays

Here are the only pictures I took from spending time with Marelie on her birthday.  I haven't had the time to blog really, but this is that.. and that is this. Peace