It is always always always a decision we make..

"I know they're not recording."

Slowly, but surely I am starting to fit into my own skin. I feel it. All of my relationships, those that I know a piece of me must remain in to find sanity, those are being maintained in some odd (but not) way. I feel like, and trust haha I already see the cliche-ness to it all, this might be the rest of my life. Given, it only takes but a day I do not take for granted, I start to feel extra comfortable in my cycles. Today seemed extra that. Suffix a good night's rest to a bad day's unrest, I awoke to a faint noise, that of the television left on. Those nights happen frequently, too tired to even decide to call it a nite.. I just passed out. We re-moved around the house and no one room feels comfortable enough to me anymore, so I kind of just .. sleep. I woke up extra groggy, I haven't eaten anything substantial in a few days, yada yada. When I wake up, I try to stretch off my sleep and I notice that my physical strength is not comparable to how I normally feel when I wake up. I am starting to recognize my body as a grown ass adult in this game we've always played, giving and gaining energys, running (literally and metaphorically) or walking, constantly dying or living (whether we want to spend today as an optimist or not), passing days by or making 'em. It is always always always a decision we make. The Maker knows my decision making has been poor at best, but I've been alive. Surely, that is not enough. The key to living isn't just being alive. It can't be.. and at this point in time, I feel, and therefore am, weak.

I give myself credit when credit is due, and I wholeheartedly have learned to love myself. This trial has been difficult.. I've lost people I loved more than I knew love to mean because of fault and wrecklessness, lust and tempt. I've weakened foundations in friendships because not telling the truth is always easy. I buried myself deep in regret.. miles under self-hatred and misery. I've come to understand that this.. this is ok. Not something to hold my head up high about, but me, of all people, can tell you a lot about change. Please don't denounce me for the things of my past, for they are menial and lackluster in comparison to the light I would like to shine on this world.. and take my past lightly, in a sense that I was and never have been ill-willed with any of my mistakes. I don't bask in my human-ness, not one bit. That is just the beginning.

As we are all constantly growing up, it is not (in my understanding) my purpose at all to tell people what to do or how to do things more righteously. I am half the socialist, teacher, person, brother, companion, lover, son, folk, fam, etc etc I've ever even dreamed of becoming, but i've never stopped dreaming of becoming. I can't because this world is too dried out. I waterfall this stuff, stream it, cry it. My dreams let me hold on to past loves intimately, not awkwardly or disrespectfully and be active in new ones. My dreams make me whole, more full, smarter in my attempts to make days, not just let them pass.

This all started with me not being able to just.. sleep I guess, feeling alright with the day that just happened. Please don't be presumptuous about any of this haha I'm fine with not having to find reason or acceptance with anything I do or think. They're all thoughts and I just like to think.