built up angst

these things.. way larger than me, im beginning to learn how to stand up against.

trust me, i'm still me
and
only me

but God/dess willing, (+ considering we as a community/country/people of color, and my family in itself have sooo much to fight for and prove right now,)

are on the v e r ge of something special.

everyone who reads this probably knows my family is a hyphy bunch.
i lost two very great gentlemen in my life in a span of 17 hours early this year..
dudes i grew up with under the same roof, until i moved to daly city.
(415) 648-8735
i'll never forget the phone number to that house. it was my emergency contact.

emergency room.. he's lying there fragile but more alive then most of us when we party.
because he was still listening. to prayers and songs. to an ipod of lowrider oldies like a true frisco og. my uncle frankie was a true frisco og.
worked at the liquor store on the corner of mission and 29th that turned into a fried chicken spot.
hooked it up fatty with hot cheetoes and candy..
hot headed, like me. aahaha angry.. like me = /
single father. raised my childhood hero who finally rose up from the ashes i blew at her. strong and heavy like anvils, she was. my cousin she is.
"a flower that grow in the ghetto know more about survival then the one from fresh meadows..
SHE GOT LOVE FOR THE SUN!"
we played basketball together. she was better than me, but i was a boy so i couldnt lose.
i played rough. so i wouldnt lose. and now.. i lost because i let pride eat me from the inside without thinking that people are going through more shit. life shit.

the other day she flew back to kuwait to fight a crazy man's war. i dont think that if i told her i loved her, she would believe me..

but i do. i swear im nothing without certain people in my life, including her. she is a queen shackled in chains of disbelief and worry. with a heater in case its necessary.. and a darker heart cus she lost a man she loved in her life.

jenna, im sorry and i love you.

and my greatGRANDfather
great, grand. a century of life, seen some shit. loved and lost and loved again.
he crowned me family man, mateo. for anyone who didnt understand why i introduce myself as mateo sometimes. and you laugh because you think its petty of me to try and change my name 20 years into my life. it was because of him. it means something.
last i seen, a province in baguio he was there holding my hand, said mateo, and feel asleep piss drunk offa one beer. what a g..

in the old house, i used to help him crush his beer cans so he could recycle. haha maybe jsut a reason for him to drink beer.

they told me, his heart outlived its pacemaker. tell me that is not a miracle and i will choke the sun and tell him he's not worth the light.

green envious monsters of jealousy, dark nights in history, unwanted touches, bloody wrists, wrong words, racism, fucked up departments at school, silence, death, losing, death, forgiveness.. death.

it's all a part of yesterday that im beginning to learn how to stand up against.

who are your demons and when will you befriend then to make you grow?