my solitude

is a little different. and i have a lot lot lot of trouble even trying to explain myself on it. i got this from a note my friend bj wrote. reallly important person for me to know, as of right now it seems to unfold more and more.

Before I begin, I have to say that I've been writing a lot less. Not because I'm busier or have better things to do, but because a fellow sculptor, 30 years my senior, reminded me that I shouldn't do too much writing, because it releases much-needed tension to create work; to stay innovative and fresh. So I'll be doing a lot less of it from now on, much to the delight (or chagrin) of some. However, find me in the real world, and as you know, it'll be hard to shut me up.

The only reason I'm breaking the relative moratorium of penning yet another long winded note is merely to encourage and support those that need to hear -from experience- how to *cope* and find the beauty of solitude. Because I've paid the price and suffered the reward, I think to some, this story will prove beneficial, and will hopefully garner new insights as to what may be in store ahead.

So the topic is solitude - what it means, how to harness it, how to appreciate it. And yeah, it was a very tough transition for me. For you see, in the past, I was rarely alone. Always had people come over, places to go, phone constantly ringing. I was once an outgoing, super gregarious, wannabe cool guy type. lol I admit it - what I "aspired" to be was at odds with who I was. Who I really was.

What many of you don't know is that I went through a severe depressive phase in early 2007. I'm talking about "killing a full bottle of Patron in one night" depressed. The hows and whys are unimportant at this juncture. As you may or may not know, the tricky thing about depression is that while depressed people need and desire help, their affliction tends to drive people away. Basically, people tend to avoid those who are depressed, which then leads the victim into a deepening cycle of alienation, which for me, brought about even more drinking, which got me more depressed, etc, etc...

You get the picture. It's a classic, debilitating scenario.

So, I had the solitude thing down pat. Not by choice, mind you; it was imposed isolation. Imposed by the universe, God, whatever. I'd literally go for weeks at a time, not speaking a single word, all my time spent alone at home. And it was absolutely crippling, to put it mildly. Every minute of every day was hell; the absolutely deafening sustained silence, the haunting memories, the frequent glancing at the bottle to see if there was any booze left. Not a day passed that I didn't think about death.

Now you might be asking, "Why the fuck are you babbling on and on about this fucking emo shit?" LOL Well young padawan, you'll see why in a minute or three.

During this time of imposed solitude, I learned that this period was an initiation of sorts. It seemed hellish at the time, but in hindsight, it was 100% absolutely necessary to get to the next phase of my life; the proverbial "trial by fire". Rather than fight it, I embraced it. Learned to love it. Crave it, even. I tried different angles of attack. Employed different philosophies. Discovered new coping mechanisms. And there is absolutely no other way in the world I would have ever known that had it not been for living in isolation. I wouldn't be who I am today, doing what I do, knowing what I know. And now that I've made it to the other side, I've come to see 3 truths about solitude.

Truth #1: Solitude is the universe's way of telling you to stop and think for awhile.

This phenomenon only happens to some people, and only then, it happens only sometimes. Be thankful that you are among the few who this opportunity is afforded - a real chance for greater understanding and growth is at hand. Use it! Much like Pavlov's dog, we're continually being conditioned -in this case, to societal norms- and in many respects, solitude is certainly not one of those favorably looked upon. That said, you've been given a choice by the universe - a choice that is afforded to few. Think about it: in this day and age, there is an incredibly vast number of things worthy of our attention. So why deliberate about this? Stop, listen, pay attention, and above all, trust the process. And it may be a long process, a lifetime even. But there is something to be learned here - if it's a constant struggle, then the lesson still has yet to be fully learned. Either way, this phenomenon is most assuredly is happening for a reason.

Truth #2: Solitude vs. popularity is nothing more than societal dualism.

It simply "is"; it's neither good nor bad. Many people will find themselves drawn to the safety and security of others. It is human nature, and 100% understandable. However, that's not to say that being alone is abnormal - for it is here that creativity begins. Ideas are formulated here. The spark of innovation is born. Introspection and subsequent reinvention (for the better, hopefully!) can only happen in being alone. Why? When being inundated with others, the individual, many times must stifle him/herself in deference to the whole. In many ways, individuality is lost amidst the sea. It's no better or worse than being popular. Just different. It all boils down to your choice between self-actualization or familiarity. Solitude indicates an inclination to the former.

Truth #3: Isolation is a very special gift.

All too often, we may see isolation and solitude as debilitating and lonesome, yet the reality couldn't be further from the truth. If you're comfortable in your own skin, then you'll never be in bad company. Do realize that it is only in isolation that we can begin to understand the great mystery that is the self; the grasp of our own unique consciousness. Where else but in solitude can this level of understanding be attained? At the fucking mall? lol Solitude is a gift, a chance that the universe has given you for a respite; from quiet reflection to spontaneous bursts of genius, this period is yours, and yours alone. And you will become better for it. Much better. Keep in mind that with this revelation, A N Y T H I N G can happen - and it usually does. It's what spawns that which is so elusive to most - innovation. To creatives, solitude is absolutely essential. It is an opportunity to learn a great truth that would otherwise remain unknown. The process is certainly a very difficult one. But, the reward is infinite. My advice? Embrace it - after all, *it* chose *you*.

If you're reading this and have felt (or are feeling) the pangs of solitude, I sincerely hope these words provide solace and a bit of wisdom. I've gone through it myself, and I know how difficult it can be. Sometimes, it still is. And this is precisely why we do what we do - if it were easy, everyone would do it! This road is definitely not for most people, and most assuredly, one very much less traveled. Now, I've done it (and am continuing to do it), and part of the reward is being surrounded by truly some of best people I've been given the honor of knowing - but make no mistake about it, a period of solitude is something you have to go through alone. No one, no matter how many people you know, can join you in this endeavor. That said, rest assured that if during your journey, your cross becomes a bit too much to bear, my assistance is only a message or phone call away. And as always, feel free to copy and paste if anyone you know might need to hear this.

Because believe me, I know how it is.