Travelling across the middle passage

I realized that the New World is not for folks like me.

Goapele - Back To You

I'm sitting in my room
Thinking back on you,
Memories pass;
My head was leaned against your face
Partly on your shoulder, curving your neck.
I tried to clear my thoughts of stress
And let go of the day,
How it began,
Whispered your name-

Soft white lights between us falling
Forming into precious flowers, chartreuse
Beautiful and floating down on us
Sparkles flying towards us dancing all around us
Vanish in air

But you left before you knew
A future holding you.
All you saw of me-
My heart should speak for me,
Then you'd understand
That push away-
It craves compassion and
Strong arms to hold her.

You and me
Revolving
Angel wings
Fluttering
Orange gold
Sunsets bold
Star filled nights
Sweet as Fantasia

And still
A glow surrounding you
The dandelions blew
Our wishes to the wind
Come and bring him back again

Soft white lights between us falling
Forming into precious flowers, chartreuse
Beautiful and floating down on us
Sparkles flying towards us dancing all around us
Vanish in air

And I wonder how you felt
I was melting inside
Opened my eyes
Felt so bright I was blind
The car we hadn't left
I closed the door behind
And I wished you would take me away.

You left before I waved.
By then it was too late.
I wished on the moon
I'd always remember

I crumbled when my lola asked about you.

Author Zadie Smith’s Rules for Writers

1) When still a child, make sure you read a lot of books. Spend more time doing this than anything else.

2) When an adult, try to read your own work as a stranger would read it, or even better, as an enemy would.

3) Don’t romanticise your “vocation”. You can either write good sentences or you can’t. There is no “writer’s lifestyle”. All that matters is what you leave on the page.

4) Avoid your weaknesses. But do this without telling yourself that the things you can’t do aren’t worth doing. Don’t mask self-doubt with contempt.

5) Leave a decent space of time between writing something and editing it.

6) Avoid cliques, gangs, groups. The presence of a crowd won’t make your writing any better than it is.

7) Work on a computer that is disconnected from the ­internet.

8) Protect the time and space in which you write. Keep everybody away from it, even the people who are most important to you.

9) Don’t confuse honours with achievement.

10) Tell the truth through whichever veil comes to hand – but tell it. Resign yourself to the lifelong sadness that comes from never ­being satisfied.

How To Find True Solitude

Being alone means you are established firmly in the here and the now and you become aware of what is happening in the present moment. You use your mindfulness to become aware of every feeling, every perception you have. You’re aware of what’s happening around you in the sangha, but you’re always with yourself, you don’t lose yourself. That’s the Buddha’s definition of the ideal practice of solitude: not to be caught in the past or carried away by the future, but always to be here, body and mind united, aware of what is happening in the present moment. That is real solitude.

when did it ever get like this..
where the quietest time.. alone and still like candles that used for timers
became all i ever wanted?

cambio

halfway through my self-proclaimed period of 'alone-time' i'm here again..
this should be good.

i don't want to be angry... or sad. I don't want to remember i'm defeated.
for as long as we wasn't boys, (not answering to those calls of accountability, being available, being ears, woomp woomp) we really weren't being boys for eachother. two sides.. mine fucked up.. wheres yours. i'm not mad, i swear on it.. just confused.

learning to take mistakes as growing up.

lately, ive been reading books.. on death and dying, on change, on addictions. probably more than i've ever read in such a short time span. and if there is one complete thought i can sit pretty on, its that people change. it's always always always situational, how deep dudes fall and how close to drowning you get.

a part of me has to die.. its inevitable and its constant. we must always re-new ourselves in the rivers of life.
i read the tao of wu book the rza recently compiled.. decent book man. he been through some shit foreals. within the last few pages or so, he says the same thing. people change.

if it gets cold, enter warmer water.

i gotta go, i'll come back to this, though.

and these, these sweet words
will be read over and over
and these, these sweet memories
will be replayed in my head like an old movie

they will all be things that will get me by for now

insecurities overflow my head
throughout every inch of my bones, my limbs, my skin
my past haunts me on this never ending race i wish to win
to feel beautiful
to be beautiful
to have someone see me in ways i wish i could see myself
untarnished
untainted

it's always easier to hear the negative
for the truth, the real truth, and nothing but the truth..
goes in one ear and easily out the other

i don't choose to feel this way
i don't think any girl/woman ever chooses to
with the curves at places they shouldn't be in
with the burning touches from foreign hands in places they shouldn't go
with the breakdown of your soul, and tears, and screams only you can hear
reaching out for help
reaching out to be free
reaching out to be saved
but no one ever knows the pain
and no one ever understands the truth behind why insecurities happen

The point is this...

I do not have any eloquent words..

nor do I have anything to say that will capture an audience.

I sit quietly, intentively.

I listen to everything, my surroundings.

The wind that whistles, the waves that crash, the trees that sway, the houses that breathes.

I do not have eloquent words..

nor do I have anything to say that will make you understand how much I want this..

"Just being with" you "and breathing with" you.

--thanks for the link, ana.

for a minute, my extremities lay spread 

lifeless, sinking into my sheets, into my mattress, into the springs that raise my body up

still sinking into the ground, heavy

my eyes staring at my white, detailed ceiling, like clouds, where for years i've drawn out pictures and words with them

then peering past the paint bit by bit, past my ceiling, past my little attic that i've never step foot into, past my roof that i helped my dad fix when i was a younger being, and into the vast darkness of the moonlit sky

staring as if i am lifted with every inhale and exhale of my breath

every exhale lifting me closer to be among the stars that shine so bright

then i blink, and i see myself falling yet oh, so free

falling past the stars and clouds and the birds and the tallest trees that stand so high

eyes watching me fall not knowing where i'd land

strangers and strangers and strangers, i see nothing

then a familiar face in the midst of the crowd, and i see everything

you.

my love my velvet rope take me away from it all when i think i cant cope
yeah they say you’re no good for me but i know that thats a lie
but sometimes i just don’t know anymore
but i never want to say goodbye
my love my green eyed love
you know when push comes to shove i need you yeah youre in my blood
my love ill only wait take me outside of it all but im stuck oh my head
and they say they say that youre no good for me but i know i know i know thats a lie
sometimes oh sometimes i just don’t know anymore but i never wanna say goodbye
my green eyed love my beautiful baby

grooooovveee

There's something I know I shoulda told you
Something that's growing everyday
Whether or not
I say it a lot
I'm down with you in every single way

"When you have to explore every night... even the most beautiful things that you find can be the most painful."

on repeat, repeat, repeat...

Hysteric - Yeah Yeah Yeahs


No longer, no longer
What you ask
Strange steps
Heels turn black
The cinders, the cinders
They light the path
And these strange steps
Take us back, take us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me

nothing even matters

See I don't need no alcohol

Your love makes me feel ten feet tall
Without it I'd go through withdrawal

Cause nothing even matters, at all

rest in power manong al

A Poem for the Sky

Today I shall stand at the corner of 14th and Broadway,
Give passers-by poems tied in gold satin ribbons,
Tack them onto neighborhood bulletin boards
And lampposts. Today I shall fold poems into parking lots
Beneath each windshield wiper blade, and
Tape them up in the bathroom stalls of the local dives.
Today I shall write poems on bright strips of paper,
Set airplane and origami crane poems loose in the wind,
Weave them with daisies into chain link fences,
Slip them into glossy envelopes and place them
In the mailboxes of whole city blocks.
Today I shall tag up on pool hall walls with a fat black marker
In my fist, and carve poems into park benches
Overlooking the lake. Today I shall set paper boat poems
Afloat in rain puddles and sewer drains.

Because you said I should take it to the world.
Because poetry is arrival. Because I am here.

(2002)

thought of the moment.

as i listen to my "zzzz" playlist, the thing that i'd love to do at the moment (or any given chance), is to lounge around in my bed with this playlist playing in the background, amazing scented candles lit, and talk about anything and everything with my own significant other, whatever pops up in our heads.

- reading a good book together
- paint/draw..on canvas or each other teehee
- sing along to the songs
- tell stories
- roll around pwahaha
- cuddle
- laugh
- and just be.

zzzz

- i can stay in this peaceful state forever...