who's gonna save my soul NOW?

I want ..

Devil's Playground

Playground
Originally uploaded by Hughes Léglise-Bataille

Playground's move me. "They say an idle mind is the devil's playground." There's something totally un-innocent about the thought of a something so negative finding satisfaction in a setting designated for children and youthfulness. This picture is eerie! Maybe it's the black and white of it all.. Maybe it's because I worry about how aimless we're allowed to be.

Ruby Veridiano-Ching

Only the Happy Things..

all hallows

'tis falling season.
it sure is, something i've always felt. every year
one morning, the sun's tapping at your window, like fresh coffee.
next, the sky is half amber/half grey and it feels like perfect San Francisco.

i never understood you. you secluded me from our innermost secrets
but i was taken over by your scent of newness and belonging.
i thought i wouldnt love again until i was ready.

i forgot that it's not choice. = /


you refreshed me, like spring. untapped my center.
poured out another glass after another glass after another glass.
i was almost empty like before..
but you filled me up again. i could not contain myself,
for i was brand new and with you, you were my january.

it wasn't easy. it took time and patience, both things i didn't practice enough.
i had to shake my pride, but mom always taught me to walk with my lion heart.
nothing made sense except happiness.
you gave me more than i wanted.

and we traveled, troubled like always, but not alone.. for once, we were not alone.
that feeling we didn't want to be so familiar with. that, to me, is love.
and when we both recognized it, i wanted to fly.

we did sometimes, i remember those days. your cloudwhite teeth smiled before and after we touched lips.
i wanted you, dangerously. i wore the ideas of you around me like my best Sunday outfit. i wanted to impress you.
we lost sleep over meaningful nothingness.
your voice was my lullabies.
like the stars were my lullabies last june.

it's october again.. and we're falling
again.

like leaves floating, weightless, unawake..
we're falling

and i only wish someone would catch me.

catch me before the winter.
i heard this ones going to be the coldest yet..

octobre 27, oh ocho

There's a few folks out there I would like to pray for.  You pray for yours, i'll pray for mine.  Maybe we'll cover enough of our folks to all be reminded that every thing's going to be fine.   

This past weekend was stacked with a lot of unremembered memories.  Mostly, it was a bout reconnecting.  In a span of three days, i spent time with a lot of different friend groups.  Happy birthday cousin, J-Bug, and Reesie!  Kindergarden classmates, second cousins, ex-girlfriends, high school crushes, old housemates, new brothers, mentors, niner fans.  It was jam-packed with people watching, and i was more throwed then the ol' pigskin we were watching.  Usually can't take too much of it like that but believe me, i was so very happy this past weekend.  Just wish my parents were in town so I could have spent a little time with them too.  

oh, and other week I met this dude Isaac, through like Teeko who's folks with Boo, and Mace's cousins, Danilo and J.  Jerisa and I just tagged a long but it was pretty cool man.  Hella played 10 fingers with a small group of friends (it was fairly quickly I wasn't so much a stranger) including Isaac's parents hahah.  But I was reminded of him because he played his guitar for us, only to introduce a group sing-along.  His last song tho, he sang Change gon' Come, for sure one of my favorite songs ever.  But Happy Belated to Isaac!  Good times ..

I'll try to post pictures tonite when I get off work, but listen to one of my favorite artists sing one of my favorite songs.  

bi-cycles

me gots a tendency to post and post and post when i do one i gotta do more than one..

but me juan and i hella used to watch welcome to hollyhood. waste of time ahhaa but 'ahh yuuup' if you know haha then you for suuure  know. those dudes were soo out of pocket. but tonite was one of those ahh yuuup nights.  i've been closing the store since sunday and im tired, beat up, done gone. 

today was a day off and finally finally finally i get to think random thoughts. not what to bake next, doing all i could to get out on time, remembering if you are or are not a member with my bookstore, none thaat shit. i think what i want to think, bike where i want to bike, do whatitis i for the most part want to.  

and finally!! ahh freash air! foreals man im caught up. normally doing what is normal? today and tomorrow im breathin and i can't tell you enuff how good it feels.

AHH fresh air!

A Milli

braaat bratt. trigger happy, second word is happy so let me be aahaha.

iPod shuffle fucka dude up. haha 

listen, close off the wickedness of modern world. we are far too (not) advanced to understand this shit one bit.

here are the lyrics for all y'all slow ass people hahaha

I may be just a foolish dreamer

But I don't care

'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere

I'm searching for that silver lining

Horizons that I've never seen

Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream

Dream my dream

Zoom

I'd like to fly far away from here

Where my mind is fresh and clear

And I'd find the love that I long to see

Where everybody can be what they wanna be

I'd like the greet the sun each morning

And walk amongst the stars at night

I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life

Well I've shared so many pains

And I've played so many games

But everyone finds the right way

Somehow

Somewhere

Someday

Zoom

I'd like to fly far away from here

Where my mind can be fresh and clear

And I'll find the love that I long to see

People can be what they wanna be

I wish the world were truly happy

Living as one

I wish the word they call freedom someday would come

Someday would come

Zoom

I'd like to fly far away from here

Where my mind can be fresh and clear

And I'd find the love that I long to see

Everybody can be what they wanna be

Zoom

I'd like to fly away

Zoom

I'd like to fly away

Zoom

I'd like to fly away

You and me, baby

Walking free

Don't you wanna go?

Don't you wanna go?

___________

I think beyond all stereotypes, I truly care for the world that revolves around me.  I'm not pessimistic, emotional, none thaaat shit. I'm just hella alive and awake and I see when my folks are sad or happy and everything and I somewhere deep down inside want to help.

"My people need hope and i'm the one with it." - Blu

I know Lionel Ritchie is far beyond his time on this shit.. or maybe i'm late because i agree more than i know how to agree.  But, if i can leave you with one side note, anybody that knows me and i've shared that this blog is even here.. think critically EXTRA critically.  outweigh consequences, be right, care foreaals care.. i dont know much past these days that matter most. and these days, i'll write til i pass out. hahah

i love you. i really do.

zoooom. byaaaaaaaaah!

creative instinct

today, among all days, was madness.

jerisa is the shit! straight up shes one of the illest artists i know.

word up to big ant, boo, jonilyn, boy, dj olly. the show was siick

past that, i hell of stepped on new grounds with people i love.
we travel, hard knocked, afraid as shit. but God are we ready to not be so weak.
we know trust, we know light, we know respect.

together, my folks and i are the shit, and trust, i was taught humility..
key word: together.

stay light!

Reflect

got shit off my chest.. now, i put onnnnn haha

my birthday weekend was in one word fulfilling. i can't tell you how wild 107.7 it got.
now, [as a 23 yr old man] i can only express myself fully on things like blogs, no audience no criticism no suggestions.. just get to pour out my bottle a lil bit nahmsayin.

here goes..

i have been nothing but God blessed to travel this earth as i have. My folks are fam, my family is my life. I am surrounded by people with purposes hell of different then mine, and i get centered errday. We know how to get it crackin, but most days we fine just choppin game at the house and sharing meals. I hellllaaa don't get what this life means at all, another one of those lost souls of mischief, but getting by.. hah im soo good at. im a happy soul, good energy levels, i believe in a lot of things other people don't. and my folks been had my back for as long as i can remember..

I am walking on thin lines between love and hate. I am extra far from understanding love, but my potential to do so is exponentially increasing.. that's serious talk. like i know i am going to be very very good in my relationships.. just one of those things you learn about yourself you know?

tomorrow always has enough potential to be a better day.

thank you to everyone that been a part of my life and has honestly tried to stick with me, even though its tough. im not easy to love, i think. but all my ride or die chicks hahah thank you soooo much. i will try my best to re-pay you with as much forgiveness and understanding and patience you have accepted with my friendship. that and enough laughs to make days brighter.

i love ya'll straight up.

tomorrow i have to be up by 730 am and its 409 am

at this point, im just trying to recreate lost dreams. tell me it's easy, ill call your bluff.
i always thought that i'd be fine losing you but shit im back far back.
right at the beginning, where it's usually easy. but this time i got swallowed up.

i hella don't know why.

AAHHHAHAHA

Be Alright

So many people are on a search to find
Within their days for that place
Within their minds to hide
And dump the load of this worldly life
And the things that it can make you feel and do
Just to pass away your time

But you be alright
Cause if you just hold on
Be strong (you)
You'll be alright
Yes you will (yeah)

People have a tendency
To think to themselves that they're the only ones
Going through more things than anyone else
But oh, I bet you'll beg to differ
If you would just consider the bigger picture
Cause then you would see that most people go through
The same things that you do in life

But you be alright
Cause if you can take it
You surely can make it
You be alright (yeah)

Just take a good look around
Look at the things and all the people
People that you see cause
We share a joy, we share a pain
So it doesn't matter at all
Ohh, were all the same



When you feel like, you know what I’m sayin, like,
When you feel like, there’s nobody you can turn too,
Or when its, shit start getting real out here.
I know how it is man, we can identify with that shit for real.
So I want you to know it’s going to be ok, you know what I mean,
It going to be alright, for real.

As time passes, I’m just keeping the faith,
Composing my thoughts and rearranging my plates.
People ask, I’m just telling them straight,
My girl was throwing up this morning; I’m praying it was something she ate.
Feeling pains in my torso now, I scream fuck the world,
But Mother Nature is taking ortho now, trying to regulate our stress and pain,
And also now, this life hurts a little more, so now,
But I’m still holding on ya’ll.

The pain that you know, evil you see,
I got a feeling that were gonna be alright, everything’s going to be alright.

I can feel the sun shinin, no stress, I’m so blessed,
No regrets, I am my past and my path has guided me, inside of me,
Placed me in spots where tracks be, and cats be so hungry, its so funny.
I want to race against millions, twenty-three years ago,
The buildings flow over peaks, made from a cat over seas,
Exposed to the league, its so peace and so deep,
So who am I to question the signs of crafts ways, of these last days,
It just happens that way, divine designs of life,
Balance that way, the trend surfaced and it all blends perfect.

The pain that you know, evil you see,
I got a feeling that were gonna be allright, everything’s going to be allright.

Baby, no you don’t have to worry,
Baby, no you don’t have to worry about me.

Tuesdays are the new Fridays

It was bright a day as one of re-focus. Made simple, he was alive, reaching for goals far beyond others' grasps, deep as black water. he had awaken this morning with a strange understanding. life as he had known it had worth and this was not a thought to be held alone. it had been validated through a together, sharing children laughter and campfire stories to warm their bodies as spirits previously had. enough was enough with played out storylines, king's jesters were left with their faces painted with fake smiles. even jokers slept un-kept each night, more shook being alone. but they, those unruly individuals, remained as royal as ever.. humbly situating themselves in their positions at prayer circles of life talk.



everythings seemes to make sense when you are not alone. ya duugg?

About Me?

I filled out this questionnaire about myself: dreams, favorites, things like that.. Came up with a mosaic of images that are supposed to represent the way i think or choose what I would like to represent me. I like this, surely I am bound to do more with different topics of interest. For now, this is who I am in some weird photographic way.

"so broke yet soo educated" - e-mass

never understood why the power/ability to take on occupations was never met by being accepted into occupations/fields of study.. stupid equations

at some point, I believe there was a time where the best woodworkers were carpenters and lumberjacks, the best teachers were educated and insightful, the best anything did what she or he did best if only to support her or his surrounding community.

i'm hopeless b/c i've only been taught so much about how to make this world revolve better..
+
i'm hopeful because there are infinite possibilities

= muust stand stronnng! ugghh [if you won't do it, i will.]
i'm going to do this for everyone that has lost faith in themselves and the peers God/dess has blessed them with.

If we had computer love, you could hack my Myspace..

Her double standards restart me.

I take myself back a little and re-wire my system.

I don't understand HTML. =/

It is always always always a decision we make..

"I know they're not recording."

Slowly, but surely I am starting to fit into my own skin. I feel it. All of my relationships, those that I know a piece of me must remain in to find sanity, those are being maintained in some odd (but not) way. I feel like, and trust haha I already see the cliche-ness to it all, this might be the rest of my life. Given, it only takes but a day I do not take for granted, I start to feel extra comfortable in my cycles. Today seemed extra that. Suffix a good night's rest to a bad day's unrest, I awoke to a faint noise, that of the television left on. Those nights happen frequently, too tired to even decide to call it a nite.. I just passed out. We re-moved around the house and no one room feels comfortable enough to me anymore, so I kind of just .. sleep. I woke up extra groggy, I haven't eaten anything substantial in a few days, yada yada. When I wake up, I try to stretch off my sleep and I notice that my physical strength is not comparable to how I normally feel when I wake up. I am starting to recognize my body as a grown ass adult in this game we've always played, giving and gaining energys, running (literally and metaphorically) or walking, constantly dying or living (whether we want to spend today as an optimist or not), passing days by or making 'em. It is always always always a decision we make. The Maker knows my decision making has been poor at best, but I've been alive. Surely, that is not enough. The key to living isn't just being alive. It can't be.. and at this point in time, I feel, and therefore am, weak.

I give myself credit when credit is due, and I wholeheartedly have learned to love myself. This trial has been difficult.. I've lost people I loved more than I knew love to mean because of fault and wrecklessness, lust and tempt. I've weakened foundations in friendships because not telling the truth is always easy. I buried myself deep in regret.. miles under self-hatred and misery. I've come to understand that this.. this is ok. Not something to hold my head up high about, but me, of all people, can tell you a lot about change. Please don't denounce me for the things of my past, for they are menial and lackluster in comparison to the light I would like to shine on this world.. and take my past lightly, in a sense that I was and never have been ill-willed with any of my mistakes. I don't bask in my human-ness, not one bit. That is just the beginning.

As we are all constantly growing up, it is not (in my understanding) my purpose at all to tell people what to do or how to do things more righteously. I am half the socialist, teacher, person, brother, companion, lover, son, folk, fam, etc etc I've ever even dreamed of becoming, but i've never stopped dreaming of becoming. I can't because this world is too dried out. I waterfall this stuff, stream it, cry it. My dreams let me hold on to past loves intimately, not awkwardly or disrespectfully and be active in new ones. My dreams make me whole, more full, smarter in my attempts to make days, not just let them pass.

This all started with me not being able to just.. sleep I guess, feeling alright with the day that just happened. Please don't be presumptuous about any of this haha I'm fine with not having to find reason or acceptance with anything I do or think. They're all thoughts and I just like to think.

Sick, but progressing

I've been sick the past few days, symptoms incl. coughing, stuffy nose, cold sweats, funny voice.  I got home from work yesterday afternoon around 4:45 pm and from then to now (~22 hours) I slept 16.  Now, I feel ten times better but my physical body is stupid weak.  I ate hella jook aka anti-sick aka arriscaldo and other various soups within those days I had been blasted and i'm guessing i'm lackin' all kinds of vitamins and nutrients.  Time to revive!

Break it down like, yeah I don't treat myself well.  In my memory box, it all turns into one extended night, so imagine in my one memory folder for the past week or so I went Bottom's Up right after work, Poleng with Patrick San Weezy and my fam from the Town, Minna for that D2S event where some folks spun [Whattup Daniel.. sign my Don't Eat the Crayons Mix pleaaase hahah] , dinner and bowling with SC folks who don't bowl at bowling alleys and Happy Birthday Sammie!  Then 8am the next morning.  Mean ass way to treat myself, no doubt.

I frequent this point where I want change so badly, but it takes a whole new environment to totally release oneself from certain thoughts like who's not going to drink if we always go to a bar?  Shit like that.. 

I'm going to take the easy route to personal health, and I don't even like Jamba Juice that much... but i'm a stupid ass amerikan who feels better that i'm feeding myself fruits but go and do some stupid shit like outdrink my fifth.  

ehh time to get ready for work.  call me when September ends.

Hope you doing aight up there..

Been listening to Pac a lot lately.  Maybe someday I could join you for a drink?

Thank God for my new used iPod..

ughh.. im a little upset with your decision making. 

Labor Day Weekend

Since Thursday, I participated in one hell of a weekend and it was all pretty tiring. Eric came back from Washington and Jum always wants to show how big we can do it. We did the guido thing haha "shower in that sh*t" and then the usual watering hole.  Sarah joined us and brought along her friend Reanne, pretty sure i didn't spell that right.  Saturday SC for Marelie's b-day (see previous post).  Sunday, did a little St. Francis day celebration.  The sun was warm,  this last 'ideal' summertime effort is quite commendable, San Francisco.  We did the whole union square thing.  Ate dinner at Pizza Orgasmica and had crepes at Genki.  We pondered getting messed up at some random acoustic nite dive but ended up splitting ways (Goodnite Jum and Rob!) and drove to the Stack, me, Bryan, Jill, Justine, and Patrick.  We drank and sang, good ol' Filipino fun.  Car rides always seem to flip errone out.  We talked about relationships again, i think at this point in all our lives, we want everything to be substantial, even our freedom.  A lot of people's interest seems to be based on an ego game everyone plays, wanting or needing to feel loved, appreciated, or attached.  I'm banking on the fact that all my friends are capable of the giving and receiving of love, despite how fucked up, reckless, forgetful, insecure etc etc we allll get haha.

And through all of this, I managed to minimally scratch the bug bites on my belly.. quite possibly, the most physically uncomfortable I have felt since chickenpox.  

Birthdays

Here are the only pictures I took from spending time with Marelie on her birthday.  I haven't had the time to blog really, but this is that.. and that is this. Peace

Bad Weather

On this saturday, my storms were epic.  I rest easily now and gather my energies before I warm myself into my thick coat and go for the long walk.  I might need more scotch, another layer, an extra scarf.. tonite, it's predicted to be cold as ever.  Make no mistakes, i never lied to you.. i'll see you, if that is my last waking moment in action.  I'll be reaching like I always have.

august 22 two's

damn. i got work today, and i am super dreading it. at least its late shift and nothing to do tomorrow..

i've had some intense, profound, funny as shit moments and conversations in the past few days haha and at one point in time, i maybe just might feel like writing about any one of them in here..


ohh plus ill saadiq/monae post. i guess right now just getting used to updating consistently..
outside lands, welcome to the city of st francis!

Trigger Happy

cheese! my weekend, picture form.




or if you in a sentimental mood..




Marelie, my brother says thank you!


my beautiful parents..










most of all, i think i really enjoyed the family time. in more recent months, i taken myself away from good ol' qt with the fam. i think its an accumulation of a lot of mistakes and reckless thinking and actions that makes me feel ashamed in some sense in the part i play in my family. i go out a lot, try do my thang thang, often neglecting time, the most important part of any relationship, spent with fam. i am at a point in my life where i want to change this.

it seems as though my 'i love yous' have become rare.
its not that i dont mean it, it just got a hell of a lot harder to say.
most importantly, this post made me realize how much i love my parents, regardless of how hard the shit we go through is.
love ya'll, more grateful than i was taught to show..

lovely standards

this is a man

who thinks with his heart but his heart is not always wise
this is a man who stumbles and falls this is a man who tries
this is a man you forgive and forgive and help and protect for as long as you live.
he will not always say what you would have him say
but now and then he'll say something wonderful
the thoughtless things he'll do will hurt and worry you
then all at once hell do something wonderful
he has a thousand dreams that wont come true
you know that he believes in them
and thats enough for you

..he'll always need your love

oh girl, all i do

philosophy:

when it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender. surrender to the plea that you must love yourself before you can love another. you must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you accept the flaws of another.

David Beckhams in the Trunk

a breath of fresh air when the smoke in my head doesn't want to clear.. i've always needed music to mellow out.

"but i know it's possible.."

No crumpled piece of paper can never be undone.
Even torn, man created things to connect. Like bridges
Or glue
So that things can be repaired, fixed, reconnected; back to normal.
With the right mindset of renewal, all that might have been lost can live happily as it once had.
Id tell you you were wrong if you told me that a crumpled piece of paper couldn’t be undone to become new.
to be canvas stretched tightly for me to repaint,
or provide lines that read my childhood dreams and believed me more than you ever would,
or blankness amidst today's chaos that meant something like healing or a fresh start,
that i couldn't refold that sheet into paper planes departing for self-worth and acceptance.
When you crumple paper, you basically create lines..
lines of mistakes, or anguish, or stress.
that, or make garbage meant to be thrown away, forgotten even.
And we do that.. as humans, we throw away, far too easily creating landfills of raw emotion alongside mountains of memory and old toned pictures of oblivion.

We always want to forget..

perhaps even to the point where our sole purpose is to live happily but without a lot of the truths that separate us from animals.
And trust me, I want to remember everything,
the universe just makes it hard sometimes.
Honestly tho, there's just too much chaos, sadness, garbage to not undo a weathered piece of paper someday and see what happens.

people really do change.

desiderata

my sis visited me a couple years back(chestnut 219), and from that trip i remember one thing distinctly. upon departure, she left me with a note. i only stumble across it every once in a while.. rarely think back to it. but when i do, i gather this feeling that life ain't half bad if you take care of it and yourself.. It was a piece written by a dude named max ehrmann in the 1920s. peep:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

if i had the uncanny ability to write life directions, it would probably go as previously stated. there is that necessity to just be open-minded.. as simple as that may seem. i dunno.. i guess with everything out there, we all gotta take what we can from it to be better.

because sometimes we must let go.

once a place for luminous stories of love; my social commentary to a world i had created in my own head. fantasies of reconciled pasts, inebriated research philosophies. from that, i progress. because not only will this be that platform for me, but instantaneously i am more practiced at the lifelong art of letting go.

we stay cycled up, finding peace in what we have become.
to accept that past is past, and to limit my natural reaction to regret.
to align my goals with who i am now, which is far from easy, but more than important.
this is me, when my voice is scared to tell you how i feel.
i write, and this is me.

take me as i am, please. this is all i have to give.