How To Find True Solitude

Being alone means you are established firmly in the here and the now and you become aware of what is happening in the present moment. You use your mindfulness to become aware of every feeling, every perception you have. You’re aware of what’s happening around you in the sangha, but you’re always with yourself, you don’t lose yourself. That’s the Buddha’s definition of the ideal practice of solitude: not to be caught in the past or carried away by the future, but always to be here, body and mind united, aware of what is happening in the present moment. That is real solitude.

when did it ever get like this..
where the quietest time.. alone and still like candles that used for timers
became all i ever wanted?

cambio

halfway through my self-proclaimed period of 'alone-time' i'm here again..
this should be good.

i don't want to be angry... or sad. I don't want to remember i'm defeated.
for as long as we wasn't boys, (not answering to those calls of accountability, being available, being ears, woomp woomp) we really weren't being boys for eachother. two sides.. mine fucked up.. wheres yours. i'm not mad, i swear on it.. just confused.

learning to take mistakes as growing up.

lately, ive been reading books.. on death and dying, on change, on addictions. probably more than i've ever read in such a short time span. and if there is one complete thought i can sit pretty on, its that people change. it's always always always situational, how deep dudes fall and how close to drowning you get.

a part of me has to die.. its inevitable and its constant. we must always re-new ourselves in the rivers of life.
i read the tao of wu book the rza recently compiled.. decent book man. he been through some shit foreals. within the last few pages or so, he says the same thing. people change.

if it gets cold, enter warmer water.

i gotta go, i'll come back to this, though.

and these, these sweet words
will be read over and over
and these, these sweet memories
will be replayed in my head like an old movie

they will all be things that will get me by for now

insecurities overflow my head
throughout every inch of my bones, my limbs, my skin
my past haunts me on this never ending race i wish to win
to feel beautiful
to be beautiful
to have someone see me in ways i wish i could see myself
untarnished
untainted

it's always easier to hear the negative
for the truth, the real truth, and nothing but the truth..
goes in one ear and easily out the other

i don't choose to feel this way
i don't think any girl/woman ever chooses to
with the curves at places they shouldn't be in
with the burning touches from foreign hands in places they shouldn't go
with the breakdown of your soul, and tears, and screams only you can hear
reaching out for help
reaching out to be free
reaching out to be saved
but no one ever knows the pain
and no one ever understands the truth behind why insecurities happen

The point is this...

I do not have any eloquent words..

nor do I have anything to say that will capture an audience.

I sit quietly, intentively.

I listen to everything, my surroundings.

The wind that whistles, the waves that crash, the trees that sway, the houses that breathes.

I do not have eloquent words..

nor do I have anything to say that will make you understand how much I want this..

"Just being with" you "and breathing with" you.

--thanks for the link, ana.

for a minute, my extremities lay spread 

lifeless, sinking into my sheets, into my mattress, into the springs that raise my body up

still sinking into the ground, heavy

my eyes staring at my white, detailed ceiling, like clouds, where for years i've drawn out pictures and words with them

then peering past the paint bit by bit, past my ceiling, past my little attic that i've never step foot into, past my roof that i helped my dad fix when i was a younger being, and into the vast darkness of the moonlit sky

staring as if i am lifted with every inhale and exhale of my breath

every exhale lifting me closer to be among the stars that shine so bright

then i blink, and i see myself falling yet oh, so free

falling past the stars and clouds and the birds and the tallest trees that stand so high

eyes watching me fall not knowing where i'd land

strangers and strangers and strangers, i see nothing

then a familiar face in the midst of the crowd, and i see everything

you.

my love my velvet rope take me away from it all when i think i cant cope
yeah they say you’re no good for me but i know that thats a lie
but sometimes i just don’t know anymore
but i never want to say goodbye
my love my green eyed love
you know when push comes to shove i need you yeah youre in my blood
my love ill only wait take me outside of it all but im stuck oh my head
and they say they say that youre no good for me but i know i know i know thats a lie
sometimes oh sometimes i just don’t know anymore but i never wanna say goodbye
my green eyed love my beautiful baby

grooooovveee

There's something I know I shoulda told you
Something that's growing everyday
Whether or not
I say it a lot
I'm down with you in every single way

"When you have to explore every night... even the most beautiful things that you find can be the most painful."

on repeat, repeat, repeat...

Hysteric - Yeah Yeah Yeahs


No longer, no longer
What you ask
Strange steps
Heels turn black
The cinders, the cinders
They light the path
And these strange steps
Take us back, take us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me

nothing even matters

See I don't need no alcohol

Your love makes me feel ten feet tall
Without it I'd go through withdrawal

Cause nothing even matters, at all

rest in power manong al

A Poem for the Sky

Today I shall stand at the corner of 14th and Broadway,
Give passers-by poems tied in gold satin ribbons,
Tack them onto neighborhood bulletin boards
And lampposts. Today I shall fold poems into parking lots
Beneath each windshield wiper blade, and
Tape them up in the bathroom stalls of the local dives.
Today I shall write poems on bright strips of paper,
Set airplane and origami crane poems loose in the wind,
Weave them with daisies into chain link fences,
Slip them into glossy envelopes and place them
In the mailboxes of whole city blocks.
Today I shall tag up on pool hall walls with a fat black marker
In my fist, and carve poems into park benches
Overlooking the lake. Today I shall set paper boat poems
Afloat in rain puddles and sewer drains.

Because you said I should take it to the world.
Because poetry is arrival. Because I am here.

(2002)

thought of the moment.

as i listen to my "zzzz" playlist, the thing that i'd love to do at the moment (or any given chance), is to lounge around in my bed with this playlist playing in the background, amazing scented candles lit, and talk about anything and everything with my own significant other, whatever pops up in our heads.

- reading a good book together
- paint/draw..on canvas or each other teehee
- sing along to the songs
- tell stories
- roll around pwahaha
- cuddle
- laugh
- and just be.

zzzz

- i can stay in this peaceful state forever...

my solitude

is a little different. and i have a lot lot lot of trouble even trying to explain myself on it. i got this from a note my friend bj wrote. reallly important person for me to know, as of right now it seems to unfold more and more.

Before I begin, I have to say that I've been writing a lot less. Not because I'm busier or have better things to do, but because a fellow sculptor, 30 years my senior, reminded me that I shouldn't do too much writing, because it releases much-needed tension to create work; to stay innovative and fresh. So I'll be doing a lot less of it from now on, much to the delight (or chagrin) of some. However, find me in the real world, and as you know, it'll be hard to shut me up.

The only reason I'm breaking the relative moratorium of penning yet another long winded note is merely to encourage and support those that need to hear -from experience- how to *cope* and find the beauty of solitude. Because I've paid the price and suffered the reward, I think to some, this story will prove beneficial, and will hopefully garner new insights as to what may be in store ahead.

So the topic is solitude - what it means, how to harness it, how to appreciate it. And yeah, it was a very tough transition for me. For you see, in the past, I was rarely alone. Always had people come over, places to go, phone constantly ringing. I was once an outgoing, super gregarious, wannabe cool guy type. lol I admit it - what I "aspired" to be was at odds with who I was. Who I really was.

What many of you don't know is that I went through a severe depressive phase in early 2007. I'm talking about "killing a full bottle of Patron in one night" depressed. The hows and whys are unimportant at this juncture. As you may or may not know, the tricky thing about depression is that while depressed people need and desire help, their affliction tends to drive people away. Basically, people tend to avoid those who are depressed, which then leads the victim into a deepening cycle of alienation, which for me, brought about even more drinking, which got me more depressed, etc, etc...

You get the picture. It's a classic, debilitating scenario.

So, I had the solitude thing down pat. Not by choice, mind you; it was imposed isolation. Imposed by the universe, God, whatever. I'd literally go for weeks at a time, not speaking a single word, all my time spent alone at home. And it was absolutely crippling, to put it mildly. Every minute of every day was hell; the absolutely deafening sustained silence, the haunting memories, the frequent glancing at the bottle to see if there was any booze left. Not a day passed that I didn't think about death.

Now you might be asking, "Why the fuck are you babbling on and on about this fucking emo shit?" LOL Well young padawan, you'll see why in a minute or three.

During this time of imposed solitude, I learned that this period was an initiation of sorts. It seemed hellish at the time, but in hindsight, it was 100% absolutely necessary to get to the next phase of my life; the proverbial "trial by fire". Rather than fight it, I embraced it. Learned to love it. Crave it, even. I tried different angles of attack. Employed different philosophies. Discovered new coping mechanisms. And there is absolutely no other way in the world I would have ever known that had it not been for living in isolation. I wouldn't be who I am today, doing what I do, knowing what I know. And now that I've made it to the other side, I've come to see 3 truths about solitude.

Truth #1: Solitude is the universe's way of telling you to stop and think for awhile.

This phenomenon only happens to some people, and only then, it happens only sometimes. Be thankful that you are among the few who this opportunity is afforded - a real chance for greater understanding and growth is at hand. Use it! Much like Pavlov's dog, we're continually being conditioned -in this case, to societal norms- and in many respects, solitude is certainly not one of those favorably looked upon. That said, you've been given a choice by the universe - a choice that is afforded to few. Think about it: in this day and age, there is an incredibly vast number of things worthy of our attention. So why deliberate about this? Stop, listen, pay attention, and above all, trust the process. And it may be a long process, a lifetime even. But there is something to be learned here - if it's a constant struggle, then the lesson still has yet to be fully learned. Either way, this phenomenon is most assuredly is happening for a reason.

Truth #2: Solitude vs. popularity is nothing more than societal dualism.

It simply "is"; it's neither good nor bad. Many people will find themselves drawn to the safety and security of others. It is human nature, and 100% understandable. However, that's not to say that being alone is abnormal - for it is here that creativity begins. Ideas are formulated here. The spark of innovation is born. Introspection and subsequent reinvention (for the better, hopefully!) can only happen in being alone. Why? When being inundated with others, the individual, many times must stifle him/herself in deference to the whole. In many ways, individuality is lost amidst the sea. It's no better or worse than being popular. Just different. It all boils down to your choice between self-actualization or familiarity. Solitude indicates an inclination to the former.

Truth #3: Isolation is a very special gift.

All too often, we may see isolation and solitude as debilitating and lonesome, yet the reality couldn't be further from the truth. If you're comfortable in your own skin, then you'll never be in bad company. Do realize that it is only in isolation that we can begin to understand the great mystery that is the self; the grasp of our own unique consciousness. Where else but in solitude can this level of understanding be attained? At the fucking mall? lol Solitude is a gift, a chance that the universe has given you for a respite; from quiet reflection to spontaneous bursts of genius, this period is yours, and yours alone. And you will become better for it. Much better. Keep in mind that with this revelation, A N Y T H I N G can happen - and it usually does. It's what spawns that which is so elusive to most - innovation. To creatives, solitude is absolutely essential. It is an opportunity to learn a great truth that would otherwise remain unknown. The process is certainly a very difficult one. But, the reward is infinite. My advice? Embrace it - after all, *it* chose *you*.

If you're reading this and have felt (or are feeling) the pangs of solitude, I sincerely hope these words provide solace and a bit of wisdom. I've gone through it myself, and I know how difficult it can be. Sometimes, it still is. And this is precisely why we do what we do - if it were easy, everyone would do it! This road is definitely not for most people, and most assuredly, one very much less traveled. Now, I've done it (and am continuing to do it), and part of the reward is being surrounded by truly some of best people I've been given the honor of knowing - but make no mistake about it, a period of solitude is something you have to go through alone. No one, no matter how many people you know, can join you in this endeavor. That said, rest assured that if during your journey, your cross becomes a bit too much to bear, my assistance is only a message or phone call away. And as always, feel free to copy and paste if anyone you know might need to hear this.

Because believe me, I know how it is.

.

"For you, a thousand times over."

- The Kite Runner

alex rest in paradise.. ima miss you bruh

Slain man was helping friend
By: Tamara Barak Aparton
Examiner Staff Writer
04/19/09 3:28 PM

Friends and family members could always count on Alexander Apalit, an ambitious, affable 21-year-old who fixed their cars, helped them move and offered them rides.

It was Apalit’s desire to help, his family said, that led to him being fatally shooting Saturday night near Balboa Park.

Apalit was a passenger in a vehicle traveling near Otsego and Santa Ynez avenues when a carload of young men in a dark, four-door sedan with tinted windows — possibly an Infinity Q35 — opened fire at 9:15 p.m., San Francisco police Sgt. Wilfred Williams said. Apalit died a short time later at San Francisco General Hospital. No arrests have been made.

Apalit’s mother said her son lived with his family in Daly City. He had been eating dinner with his cousin and a friend when the friend’s teenage brother called to say he was being chased in San Francisco by group of young men. The trio drove to The City and picked up the teen boy. The suspects gave chase in the sedan, firing four or five shots toward the car.

Apalit, who was sitting behind the driver, was shot in the chest.

His companions rushed him to the nearest emergency room, St. Luke’s, where his mother said he was turned away. He was taken by ambulance from St. Luke’s to San Francisco’s only trauma center, General Hospital.

“I’m really upset about that,” his mother said. “He was struggling, but he was still breathing when he was at St. Luke’s. They’re an emergency room; couldn’t they help him anyway?”

St. Luke’s spokesman Kevin McCormack said privacy laws prevented him from commenting, but he could not imagine the injured man would be turned away.

“Emergency rooms, by law, have to treat whoever comes in,” McCormack said. “They would be treated and stabilized and sent on somewhere else if appropriate. Obviously, the place to send someone in San Francisco with gunshot wounds is San Francisco General.”

Apalit grew up in The City and attended Sacred Heart Cathedral High School, where he played football and set a school record in the long jump. He had worked as an automotive technician since 2007. Last fall, Apalit and two cousins started a party-bus business, shuttling revelers to various nightclubs in The City, his mother said.

Police described the suspects as three young Hispanic men, including the car’s driver, who wore a green hooded sweatshirt, and a stocky man about 6-feet tall. A fourth suspect is described as a young black man with a dark complexion and dreadlocks. The description of a fifth suspect is unclear.

Anyone with information is asked to call the Police Department’s anonymous tip line at (415) 575-4444.

___

"this is pretty good for a bad idea"

To all the men I have ever loved...

To all the men I have ever loved,

I give you a round of applause
for dealing with the s**t I put you through,
for dealing with my constant rambling nonsense.

I go through pictures,
through videos,
through pages in my journal,
with the words smeared from fallen tears,
from the pain of love,
from the thought of "forever"...

this is for the men that I still do love,
the same men that I "loved."

I still love.

I give my heart to every person that has cared for me,
in a way only two people can care for,
in a way when no one else matters.

I give my heart away to every person I never said, "I love you," to,
because ya'll didn't know I really do.
I don't say it for fear of rejection,
just the type of person I am,
the person the stars created me,
a Libra.
Love to Love,
yet I'm shy as hell to tell you,
and you, and you , and you. (pwahahhah i love too much)

-----
i don't know where this is going.

hi.

this is a little message to you, matthew..
in hopes you would see it in time..
but i'm assuming you'll have work tomorrow (friday, april 10th)..
but i'll extend the invite anyway.
since i can't call you, for you are now phoneless like me..
and since you're not on AIM at the moment, i'll tell you here.

so tomorrow, ana, daniel and i will be going to a hospital, where daniel volunteers at in sf, and we wanted to know if you'd like to come along.
we'll be helping out patients express their emotions through art, an art therapy session. it'll be around 4pm.
and then after we're going to this art show around 7pm.
so if you'd like to go, let us know. :}

te's twitter

When a man is forced to spend time alone......he often finds himself in unpleasant company.

2 year anniversary video dedication.

i love you, ruby lynn.
please give me the strength to see each day through.
you are ALWAYS missed and is forever in my heart.
rest in paradise, love. <3

a little note for you...

Dear Mateo,

Thank you for writing me that little post. Not so much of a "little" post because it really did make me feel a whole lot better. The littlest things makes the biggest effect (which by the way, I finally know the difference between affect and effect haha). Anyway, thank you for giving me that extra strength to get me through my day and in return, I am sending you some strength today. I know I've been in such a mess, internally and externally, and in some way, maybe you have been too? I only say this because, yeah, we are in some way like one another. Weird, I know, but it puts me at ease knowing that someone like you understands me with the way I view and think things. So if you were in a mess and still are, I hope you find the peace in all this "madness." The world IS a crazy place, but it also and always will have its beauty. I guess the bad in things are what makes us feel alive and give us a little kick to reality that we should never take things for granted. I know your uncle is looking after you and watching you and your family, no doubt. Your amazing loved ones up there will always be by your side as well as the ones down here on earth, through every trials and tribulations you may go through. So "stay light," mattie. :}
Don't let the chaos in your head overcome the mateo we all know and love.

Love,
Anna Liza

st patricks day

hey anna,
hey sis. i dont know how often you read this so i dont know if youre gonna catch this today.. but i thought about you a lot today.. we are very similar in personality its kinda eerie. mostly i think its cool. but today i want to invisibly send you some strength and i need some back. and the only time i ever feel alive really is when people respond to me. even when its invisible. at the end of the day, the world turned as usual.. (oh how much we both hate the usual) but this might be all we have ahaha gotta keep truckin

anyways, bout to go mellow out with my uncle for a little.. see how hes doing up there. stay up!
love, matthew

trust me

untitled

http://www.redbubble.com/people/dearhonestyx/writing/2406002-untitled

sometimes i take a Shower
with the lights off.
but before i even finish showering, i turn the lights back On,
because i remember how afraid of the dark i am.

sometimes i go to the Airport
and just sit in there for a few hours.
because i like watching people Reunite.

sometimes i cut my Fingernails way too short.
like, down to the quicks.
because it’s an odd feeling, the way my fingertips Hurt
every time i touch something.

sometimes i go out in public without my Shoes,
because i like feeling the Real ground,
not just the inside of my shoes.

sometimes i re-arrange my Bedroom,
but then i change it right back
because everyone knows that there isn’t a single person
in the world that isn’t afraid of Change.

sometimes i try reading books Upside-down
because i think thats what it would be like if i couldn’t
Read
at all.

sometimes i just sit and watch the Grass grow,
because we’re lucky that it even grows in the First
place.

sometimes i do things.
sometimes i don’t.

from ana's tumblrrrrrr

"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and changing a soul.
You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.
And you start to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open.
You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain.
After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
You learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
You learn that with every goodbye, there’s a hello.
Take chances.
Tell the truth.
Date someone totally wrong for you.
Say no.
Spend all your cash.
Fall in love.
Be random.
Say I love you.
Cry.
Apologize.
Tell someone how much they mean to you.
Drink until the bottle’s empty.
Sing out loud.
Tell an asshole how you feel.
Let someone know what they’re missing.
Laugh until your stomach hurts.
Live Life."

lately..

alright.. so i haven't exactly made my attempts to "type" my emotions and reflect on them. so here it is..

lately, i've been, once again, so overwhelmed with the thought of where my life is going, time running out, having this imminent feeling of doom, to the point where i literally cannot breathe. i suffocate myself with these thoughts because i feel so rushed. study, study, study.
i need to do this. i need to do that. i need to be here/there, NOW.
i haven't even seen human existence in how long (except for the lively souls that live in my house).
so much stress, that i've decided to take my hot yoga classes again.

the feeling of practicing yoga...i cannot express in words.
it makes me a better person. relaxes, soothes my mind from all the external bullshit, and keeps me centered and at peace with myself.

i've also became a vegetarian. it isn't as difficult for me, since i rarely eat red meat anyway. but the seafood, ohhh the seafood. i will miss you so.

what else...oh, and i miss my friends. i literally see them, at most, 3 times a month.
but i guess it is something i must sacrifice to gain something bigger.

so i will depart on this little entry and leave this to help me meditate.
Namaste.

Budapest Eskimos - The Lushlife Project

this makes me feel better

Planned Accidentals

Almostalmost almost anyone can produce something similar to this. Fully aware of the technique and art awareness dude must have had, those planned accidentals.. I mean to say, it's not easy and Pollacks works really are masterpieces to me.. he really was one of the first to put it down like this.

Let me Jackson Pollack with you.

Little Dragon - Twice

lonely light, out in the sea
lonely light like me

10 Things We All Must Figure Out for Ourselves

Learning is merely a component of life, like the limbs of the human body. We can learn a lot from others, but some things in life must be experienced to be truly understood. Below you will find a list of 10 such things, the things we all must figure out for ourselves.

1. Love – There is no official guide for falling in love, falling out of love, or dealing with the emotional intricacies of love. Love cannot be taught and it certainly cannot be forced. Love is an instinctual feeling, a powerful sentiment, one we will all find under different circumstances and must each figure out for ourselves.
2. Friendship – Some personalities simply click and others clash. Just like love, friendship is a natural process that cannot be forced. Other people can select our acquaintances for us, but over time we will find true friendship on our own. When the conversations are comfortable and relaxed and a mutual feeling of trust is apparent, true friendship has been found.
3. Loss – At some point each one of us will experience a loss in life. It could be the death of a loved one, the devastation of personal belongings, or a vicious rejection in our career. Each of us is going to naturally deal with loss in our own unique manner, some taking more time to reflect on it than others. While suggestions can be made, we must figure it out for ourselves, morn if necessary, and move on when we are ready.
4. The Short vs. Long Catch-22 – There is a paradox found in various situations where we must choose between short-term and long-term fulfillment. It governs the path we take concerning our aspirations, desires, and available opportunities. Things that seem positive in the short-term can turn sour in the long-term. Likewise, disciplined efforts to meet long-term objectives can lead to a more dull short-term existence. People can try to advise us in specific situations, but we must ultimately figure out how to manage this catch-22 for ourselves across the broad scope of our lives.
5. Self-Forgiveness – We all make mistakes. It is an inevitable element of being alive. Since we are undoubtedly our own toughest critic, we sometimes inflict unnecessary self-guilt on our conscious for certain actions we did or did not take. This typically hinders our productivity and happiness. Many self-help instructors attempt to teach self-forgiveness, but every circumstance and individual is slightly different than the next. Experience is the key. General experience in dealing with the process of trial and error across various life circumstances is really what increases our comfort level with making mistakes.
6. Life Balance – Living a healthy, rewarding life involves the simple art of balance. We must balance risk vs. reward, family and friends vs. career goals, quantity vs. quality… the list could continue indefinitely. Over time, and with enough experience, we will be able to evaluate any situation, decipher the boundary extremes and find a happy, healthy medium between these extremes.
7. Responsibility and Independence – Responsibility is not a quality instinctually instilled in all human beings. Some of us have to work really hard at leading a responsible life. The key is to realize that it is okay to assist someone, but the full burden of a responsibility should never be taken away from its owner. If it is, the owner will never learn, thus becoming forever dependant on others. Cause and effect is the ultimate guide to responsibility. “If I don’t get a job, I won’t have money to buy food.” Our success with responsibility will eventually lead to complete independence.
8. Character Identity – “Who am I?” We all have to figure this out for ourselves. Character identity is incredibly difficult to define. We all have ideas in our minds of who we are, who we want to become, or how we want to live. The single greatest gift a human being possesses is free will… our ability to think, make choices, and take action with the decisions we make. These decisions eventually mold the person we are, our character identity.
9. Betrayal – Dealing with betrayal usually sends a person on an emotional rollercoaster ride. There is no practical way of preparing for it because every act of betrayal contains a different set of variables. When it happens, we are usually left asking a series of questions. Why? Is there another side to the story? Can we work through this? These are questions only the people involved can answer and deal with.
10. Happiness and Success – As I stated in my last post, happiness is doing what you love, and success is excelling at doing what you love. Nobody else can tell us how to be happy or what to love. As we progress through life we uncover these mysteries on our own. Once we have happiness figured out we can map out a course for achieving our own personalized version of success.

from http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/03/02/10-things-we-all-must-figure-out-for-ourselves/

above

unfortunately, an appropriate depiction of the the way i see this life of love haha im completely biased for sure..

but man, why am i always jumping?

garden state

"I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it's sort of all we have." - Sam

something from somewhere

"The trick is to enjoy it, but still keep a good distance."

friday morning

fkk.. i hate this feeling hahaha
these stupid stupid feelings over you.

im addicted

built up angst

these things.. way larger than me, im beginning to learn how to stand up against.

trust me, i'm still me
and
only me

but God/dess willing, (+ considering we as a community/country/people of color, and my family in itself have sooo much to fight for and prove right now,)

are on the v e r ge of something special.

everyone who reads this probably knows my family is a hyphy bunch.
i lost two very great gentlemen in my life in a span of 17 hours early this year..
dudes i grew up with under the same roof, until i moved to daly city.
(415) 648-8735
i'll never forget the phone number to that house. it was my emergency contact.

emergency room.. he's lying there fragile but more alive then most of us when we party.
because he was still listening. to prayers and songs. to an ipod of lowrider oldies like a true frisco og. my uncle frankie was a true frisco og.
worked at the liquor store on the corner of mission and 29th that turned into a fried chicken spot.
hooked it up fatty with hot cheetoes and candy..
hot headed, like me. aahaha angry.. like me = /
single father. raised my childhood hero who finally rose up from the ashes i blew at her. strong and heavy like anvils, she was. my cousin she is.
"a flower that grow in the ghetto know more about survival then the one from fresh meadows..
SHE GOT LOVE FOR THE SUN!"
we played basketball together. she was better than me, but i was a boy so i couldnt lose.
i played rough. so i wouldnt lose. and now.. i lost because i let pride eat me from the inside without thinking that people are going through more shit. life shit.

the other day she flew back to kuwait to fight a crazy man's war. i dont think that if i told her i loved her, she would believe me..

but i do. i swear im nothing without certain people in my life, including her. she is a queen shackled in chains of disbelief and worry. with a heater in case its necessary.. and a darker heart cus she lost a man she loved in her life.

jenna, im sorry and i love you.

and my greatGRANDfather
great, grand. a century of life, seen some shit. loved and lost and loved again.
he crowned me family man, mateo. for anyone who didnt understand why i introduce myself as mateo sometimes. and you laugh because you think its petty of me to try and change my name 20 years into my life. it was because of him. it means something.
last i seen, a province in baguio he was there holding my hand, said mateo, and feel asleep piss drunk offa one beer. what a g..

in the old house, i used to help him crush his beer cans so he could recycle. haha maybe jsut a reason for him to drink beer.

they told me, his heart outlived its pacemaker. tell me that is not a miracle and i will choke the sun and tell him he's not worth the light.

green envious monsters of jealousy, dark nights in history, unwanted touches, bloody wrists, wrong words, racism, fucked up departments at school, silence, death, losing, death, forgiveness.. death.

it's all a part of yesterday that im beginning to learn how to stand up against.

who are your demons and when will you befriend then to make you grow?

what do i know?

See I never really new life could be so hard
I never really new pain till I got scared
I never knew people could be so cold
I never knew wrong til I was ten years old
I never knew fighten til I got my ass kicked
I never knew gettin' got til I got tricked
I never knew healthy til I got sick
And I never knew people killed people so quick
Yo, I never knew mind power could be so deep
And I never knew hardship was mine to keep
And I never knew the wolves attack the sheep in their sleep
And I never knew people played people so cheap
Yo, I never knew that we was in such bad shape
And I never knew what I would have to do for the papes
And I never knew that I would put my life on tape
And I never knew hip hop would be my escape
See I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But, never say never because it never comes true

Hey yo, I never knew that some nigga's just don't bury beef
I never knew that I brought you so much grief
I never knew that you was a two time thief
The way you stole my heart was beyond belief
Yo, I never knew my medicine would come in a leaf
And I never knew that life could be so brief
And I never knew that I would get no relief
I never knew so many Indians that wanna be chief
Yo, I never knew the wrong move could cost yo life
And I never knew the wrong move could cause yo strife
And I never knew money could just buy you fun
And I never knew so much power came with a gun
Yo, I never knew that I would have such bad luck
And I never knew the next man could get you stuck
And I never knew lighting til I got struck
And I never knew that you would go so low for the buck
Yo, I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But, never say never because it nver comes true

See, I never knew the future would be like the past
And I never knew a woman could just slang that ass
Yo, I never knew that you were so sassafras
I never knew that you played the game so fast
I never knew that there was no time to waste
And I never knew no one who could take your place
Yo, I never knew reality til you showed me a taste
And I never knew how you made my heart beat race
Yo, I never knew courage until I got brave
And I never knew discipline until I behaved
And I never knew freedom until I became a slave
And I never knew that I would take this to the grave
Yo, I never knew that I had so much to lose
And I never knew I had so many to choose
And I never knew an ego was so easily bruised
And I never knew the game until I studied the rules
See I never knew real folks could be so few
And I never knew so many people don't got a clue
And I never knew beautiful til I met you
But never say never because it never comes true

Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew that it would be about the revenue
Never say never because it never comes true
Oh, I never knew that you didn't know what they was telling you
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew this about the heaven and the hell in you
Never say never because it never comes true
I never knew

decisions.

the things in life that are worth it, are not easy.

i can't afford to stop

i'm type polite but yo i'm looking at her skeptically
cus babygirl got all the right weaponry

bless up

last night we went out to milk for reggae nite
it was so sensual, the music.. it moves me

that's what you do to my head and i don't want to let you know
because i'm scared..
you don't always need someone to dance with but its almost always better.


dance with me.

love

wala nang sakit..

frankie

pray for God to accept him.. he's gonna keep them company.
nay, what do you need from the grocery store? tomatoes? onions?
brother, don't leave me
he used to cry for me..
grace be on this world.
i'll see you tomorrow

have no fear in your heart..
do not make me do this on my own.. please

bittersweet.

i want to fall, and know you will be the one to catch me.
what scares me is that i know you will.
you tell me everything, like an open book.
detailed to the very core of your soul.
the kind of qualities little girls, women, look for in another.
the ones you only see in movies.
the ones others long for.

you want to fall, and know i will be the one to catch you.
what scares YOU, though, is that you may not know i will.
i tell you half of what i feel.
and like a book, but the ones where cruel individuals rip out the end pages,
not knowing what will happen at the end.
not knowing if it was even worth the time to read.
the kinds of qualities others steer away from.
the ones you only see in movies.
the ones others do not long for.

you make me vulnerable, and it scares me.
i live to love, yet, i am trapped with the shields and defenses running all around me,
like an island in the middle of no where.
i am trapped and content, though i want to break free and give you my heart.
no chains. no locks.
the very thing that i long for.

i make you vulnerable, and it scares you.
you are not trapped but you are cautious.
like a soldier with your defenses, but you throw in the white flag thinking it is a draw.
thinking we were always on the same side.
giving your heart.
no barriers. no traps.
the very thing that you wish i would take.

in the end of this, i am only protecting you.
i am a poison. i am not the very thing you need.
i push you away, only to take you back.
like a yo-yo that a child plays with.

but unlike any one else,
i am not playing with your head and heart.
i know i am difficult.
i know i am on the fence.
but i feel what i feel.
i am just scared to fall.

1 year, 9 months, 11 days

i don't think i'll ever be able to accept it.

i would give anything just to see you again.
i would have been able to save you...

i miss you so much.

when the going gets tough...

i love my moments of clarity.

i know the past few days, i've been in a rut. mopping around because things don't make sense; because i don't know where i'm headed in life. but that's the beauty of it, i think. i may be lost, i may not have a good sense of direction as in "career-wise," but i know my goals. i know i can do this.
i'm living in this world with all these challenges, all these obstacles, but, what's life without them?
i love the world and my life, wholeheartedly.
i know i complain, but who doesn't? i am only human. it is only when you realize that there are more things in life than this one thing, that your are a good person.
i believe i am. open-minded to everything. arms wide open to EVERYTHING that comes my way.
i want to experience it all and cherish memories forever.
i may not do things or be the person others want me to; i may not come out on top, but i am absolutely okay with that.
i am me, and you are you.



...and i love you, as i do with everyone in my life.
i adore. i love.
thank you for all you've done for me. i can never repay for what ya'll has done for me, but i will always keep trying by giving you my everlasting love, friendship and helping out whenever you need me.
when you need me, i'm here.


ALWAYS & FOREVER.

february 14

"could be an organ donor - the way i give up my heart." - benjamin andre

two sides of the scale.

i am always one AND the other, simultaneously.

Im Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado

Echo - Incubus

....

i love the world.
i hate the world.
i love to love, yet i'm scared to give my heart away.
i'm simple, yet just as complex.
i have my artistic side, yet i don't think i'm creative.
i'm a homebody, though i long for the night life.
i love everyone in my life and the ones i encounter, yet i'm so shy to meet people.
i always forgive, but i never forget.
i know what i want, yet i don't even know.
i'm positive.
i'm negative.
i'm content.
i'm miserable.
i'm collected.
i'm scattered.
i'm indecisive.



i'm a libra.

"I'm just a fucked up girl, trying to find her own peace of mind"

you know when you have so much on your plate and you try to fix them, but you don't even know where to start.

i'm floating in this beautiful/horrid place we call "earth" and i don't know when i'm going to fall. or that feeling of falling for eternity. when will i ever stop falling?

but maybe that's the problem. maybe i need to stop "trying" to keep my feet on the ground and just "let it be."

stop trying to force things and just go with it.

JUST BE.

my thoughts and emotions fluctuate like i'm diagnosed of having a mild case of bipolar disorder. yeah, i know..i'm really messed up in the head, but at least i admit it, right?

and another thing, why's it so hard to help people? yeah, i know you need your license to actually take care of people for legal reasons and accountability, and i GUESS to show you know what you're doing but...that's all book work.

and i'm sure as hell most nurses are doing this just for the money.

shit, don't call me a nurse bec i don't even believe i can pass that NCLEX and get that "money"...but i WANT to help people. WHY CAN'T I JUST PACK UP AND LEAVE and join the peace corps in an instant?

why must you need qualifications to help out? i don't get it.

so here i am, floating/wandering off into the infinite abyss and i don't know if/when i'll ever be ready to know what i want; when will i ever be ready to settle down; why i won't allow myself to give my heart away.

it's ironic that one of my favorite quotes is, "It is safe to let love in. Love is your divine right." - Louise L. Hay,

yet, i can't even live by it.

i want to. i'm trying to. i'm hoping, i do.

Dream Horses by Pablo Neruda

A burden to myself, glimpsing myself into mirrors
with a taste for weeks, biographers, old papers,
I wrench hell's captain from my heart
and lay down sad equivocating clauses.

I drift from place to place, wash down illusions,
talk to the tailors in their nests:
repeatedly, with cold and fatal voice,
they sing and chase enchantments off.

There is a country stretched across the sky
strewn with the rainbow's superstitious carpets
and evening's vegetation:
that way I go - not without some fatigue,
trading grave loam, fresh from the spade
dreaming among these doubtful greens.

I pass through relished documents, through lineages,
dressed like an aborigine and beaten down;
I love the wasted honey of respect,
the dulcet catachism between whose leaves
violets sleep, grow old and fade away,
and brustling brooms looking for help:
in their appearance grief and certitude conjoined.
I ruin the whistling rose, the wracking worry,
I break beloved extremes : and worse than that
await a uniform, immeasurable time -
a taste on the soul's tongue which wears me down.

What a day it's been! What a thick milk light
compact, as if white fingered, favours me!
I heard its red horse neighing
bare-backed, unshod and radiant.
I ride him over churches
gallop through garrisons empty of soldiers
pursued by a raffish army.
His eucalyptus eyes plunder the darkness,
his bell-like body gallops as it strikes.

I need a flash of that persistent brightness,
a feast of kinsmen claiming all i own.

here goes everything

well, im off.. in an open ended attempt to recapture what little of my heart there is left for this world.

wish me luck!

"enjoy life. be kind"

a new friend of mine shared with me..

been thinking a lot about life and how i live it... what i like and dislike about my personal life philosophies...

i came up with two sentences that seem to command my being into happiness.

enjoy life. be kind.

it's hard work, really... to remind myself daily to do these two things, non-conflictingly. but i'm working on it. i can go on and on about how complicated these two sentences are... how complicated we've made our lives, and how hard it really is to live in society in this day and age and do those two very simple things... but i wont.

another thing i've been thinking is how people, myself, get so obsessed with one thing, be it materialistic baubles or lovers... so obsessed that we stop being able to see the bigger picture. lately, ive been so wrapped up with the whole "he said, she said" tip, that i get so upset and i drive myself to madness pretty much. so this time, i put on my headphones, let all the noise around me drown in my music and realize there's so much more than just this one thing. yes, your business should only be YOURS and no one else's to tell. and that's how it always should be bec it sucks when you have to feel like there's no one to turn to. but i'm dwelling and obsessing over something that 1- is beyond my control (bec everyone does it in some way or another) and 2- doesn't even matter in the grander sceme of things. so then i thought about all the things i've become so attached to, and how it's blinded me from clarity- life. all the clothes i've bought, the people i've pined over... all of the time wasted not really feeling truly in my own body. and then i thought about my body, and how very attached to life i was... and how very short-lived it is. usually this thought really depresses me, because i never want the good to end. who does?
but then i realized that it IS beautiful. life is beautiful BECAUSE it's not permenant. it makes you really appreciate the things around you, i hope. i do. i'm trying, and sometimes it's overwhelming. anyway, to sum it up in a sentence, don't take life too seriously, it's only temporary.

who's gonna save my soul NOW?

I want ..

Devil's Playground

Playground
Originally uploaded by Hughes Léglise-Bataille

Playground's move me. "They say an idle mind is the devil's playground." There's something totally un-innocent about the thought of a something so negative finding satisfaction in a setting designated for children and youthfulness. This picture is eerie! Maybe it's the black and white of it all.. Maybe it's because I worry about how aimless we're allowed to be.

Ruby Veridiano-Ching

Only the Happy Things..

all hallows

'tis falling season.
it sure is, something i've always felt. every year
one morning, the sun's tapping at your window, like fresh coffee.
next, the sky is half amber/half grey and it feels like perfect San Francisco.

i never understood you. you secluded me from our innermost secrets
but i was taken over by your scent of newness and belonging.
i thought i wouldnt love again until i was ready.

i forgot that it's not choice. = /


you refreshed me, like spring. untapped my center.
poured out another glass after another glass after another glass.
i was almost empty like before..
but you filled me up again. i could not contain myself,
for i was brand new and with you, you were my january.

it wasn't easy. it took time and patience, both things i didn't practice enough.
i had to shake my pride, but mom always taught me to walk with my lion heart.
nothing made sense except happiness.
you gave me more than i wanted.

and we traveled, troubled like always, but not alone.. for once, we were not alone.
that feeling we didn't want to be so familiar with. that, to me, is love.
and when we both recognized it, i wanted to fly.

we did sometimes, i remember those days. your cloudwhite teeth smiled before and after we touched lips.
i wanted you, dangerously. i wore the ideas of you around me like my best Sunday outfit. i wanted to impress you.
we lost sleep over meaningful nothingness.
your voice was my lullabies.
like the stars were my lullabies last june.

it's october again.. and we're falling
again.

like leaves floating, weightless, unawake..
we're falling

and i only wish someone would catch me.

catch me before the winter.
i heard this ones going to be the coldest yet..

octobre 27, oh ocho

There's a few folks out there I would like to pray for.  You pray for yours, i'll pray for mine.  Maybe we'll cover enough of our folks to all be reminded that every thing's going to be fine.   

This past weekend was stacked with a lot of unremembered memories.  Mostly, it was a bout reconnecting.  In a span of three days, i spent time with a lot of different friend groups.  Happy birthday cousin, J-Bug, and Reesie!  Kindergarden classmates, second cousins, ex-girlfriends, high school crushes, old housemates, new brothers, mentors, niner fans.  It was jam-packed with people watching, and i was more throwed then the ol' pigskin we were watching.  Usually can't take too much of it like that but believe me, i was so very happy this past weekend.  Just wish my parents were in town so I could have spent a little time with them too.  

oh, and other week I met this dude Isaac, through like Teeko who's folks with Boo, and Mace's cousins, Danilo and J.  Jerisa and I just tagged a long but it was pretty cool man.  Hella played 10 fingers with a small group of friends (it was fairly quickly I wasn't so much a stranger) including Isaac's parents hahah.  But I was reminded of him because he played his guitar for us, only to introduce a group sing-along.  His last song tho, he sang Change gon' Come, for sure one of my favorite songs ever.  But Happy Belated to Isaac!  Good times ..

I'll try to post pictures tonite when I get off work, but listen to one of my favorite artists sing one of my favorite songs.  

bi-cycles

me gots a tendency to post and post and post when i do one i gotta do more than one..

but me juan and i hella used to watch welcome to hollyhood. waste of time ahhaa but 'ahh yuuup' if you know haha then you for suuure  know. those dudes were soo out of pocket. but tonite was one of those ahh yuuup nights.  i've been closing the store since sunday and im tired, beat up, done gone. 

today was a day off and finally finally finally i get to think random thoughts. not what to bake next, doing all i could to get out on time, remembering if you are or are not a member with my bookstore, none thaat shit. i think what i want to think, bike where i want to bike, do whatitis i for the most part want to.  

and finally!! ahh freash air! foreals man im caught up. normally doing what is normal? today and tomorrow im breathin and i can't tell you enuff how good it feels.

AHH fresh air!

A Milli

braaat bratt. trigger happy, second word is happy so let me be aahaha.

iPod shuffle fucka dude up. haha 

listen, close off the wickedness of modern world. we are far too (not) advanced to understand this shit one bit.

here are the lyrics for all y'all slow ass people hahaha

I may be just a foolish dreamer

But I don't care

'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere

I'm searching for that silver lining

Horizons that I've never seen

Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream

Dream my dream

Zoom

I'd like to fly far away from here

Where my mind is fresh and clear

And I'd find the love that I long to see

Where everybody can be what they wanna be

I'd like the greet the sun each morning

And walk amongst the stars at night

I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life

Well I've shared so many pains

And I've played so many games

But everyone finds the right way

Somehow

Somewhere

Someday

Zoom

I'd like to fly far away from here

Where my mind can be fresh and clear

And I'll find the love that I long to see

People can be what they wanna be

I wish the world were truly happy

Living as one

I wish the word they call freedom someday would come

Someday would come

Zoom

I'd like to fly far away from here

Where my mind can be fresh and clear

And I'd find the love that I long to see

Everybody can be what they wanna be

Zoom

I'd like to fly away

Zoom

I'd like to fly away

Zoom

I'd like to fly away

You and me, baby

Walking free

Don't you wanna go?

Don't you wanna go?

___________

I think beyond all stereotypes, I truly care for the world that revolves around me.  I'm not pessimistic, emotional, none thaaat shit. I'm just hella alive and awake and I see when my folks are sad or happy and everything and I somewhere deep down inside want to help.

"My people need hope and i'm the one with it." - Blu

I know Lionel Ritchie is far beyond his time on this shit.. or maybe i'm late because i agree more than i know how to agree.  But, if i can leave you with one side note, anybody that knows me and i've shared that this blog is even here.. think critically EXTRA critically.  outweigh consequences, be right, care foreaals care.. i dont know much past these days that matter most. and these days, i'll write til i pass out. hahah

i love you. i really do.

zoooom. byaaaaaaaaah!

creative instinct

today, among all days, was madness.

jerisa is the shit! straight up shes one of the illest artists i know.

word up to big ant, boo, jonilyn, boy, dj olly. the show was siick

past that, i hell of stepped on new grounds with people i love.
we travel, hard knocked, afraid as shit. but God are we ready to not be so weak.
we know trust, we know light, we know respect.

together, my folks and i are the shit, and trust, i was taught humility..
key word: together.

stay light!

Reflect

got shit off my chest.. now, i put onnnnn haha

my birthday weekend was in one word fulfilling. i can't tell you how wild 107.7 it got.
now, [as a 23 yr old man] i can only express myself fully on things like blogs, no audience no criticism no suggestions.. just get to pour out my bottle a lil bit nahmsayin.

here goes..

i have been nothing but God blessed to travel this earth as i have. My folks are fam, my family is my life. I am surrounded by people with purposes hell of different then mine, and i get centered errday. We know how to get it crackin, but most days we fine just choppin game at the house and sharing meals. I hellllaaa don't get what this life means at all, another one of those lost souls of mischief, but getting by.. hah im soo good at. im a happy soul, good energy levels, i believe in a lot of things other people don't. and my folks been had my back for as long as i can remember..

I am walking on thin lines between love and hate. I am extra far from understanding love, but my potential to do so is exponentially increasing.. that's serious talk. like i know i am going to be very very good in my relationships.. just one of those things you learn about yourself you know?

tomorrow always has enough potential to be a better day.

thank you to everyone that been a part of my life and has honestly tried to stick with me, even though its tough. im not easy to love, i think. but all my ride or die chicks hahah thank you soooo much. i will try my best to re-pay you with as much forgiveness and understanding and patience you have accepted with my friendship. that and enough laughs to make days brighter.

i love ya'll straight up.

tomorrow i have to be up by 730 am and its 409 am

at this point, im just trying to recreate lost dreams. tell me it's easy, ill call your bluff.
i always thought that i'd be fine losing you but shit im back far back.
right at the beginning, where it's usually easy. but this time i got swallowed up.

i hella don't know why.

AAHHHAHAHA

Be Alright

So many people are on a search to find
Within their days for that place
Within their minds to hide
And dump the load of this worldly life
And the things that it can make you feel and do
Just to pass away your time

But you be alright
Cause if you just hold on
Be strong (you)
You'll be alright
Yes you will (yeah)

People have a tendency
To think to themselves that they're the only ones
Going through more things than anyone else
But oh, I bet you'll beg to differ
If you would just consider the bigger picture
Cause then you would see that most people go through
The same things that you do in life

But you be alright
Cause if you can take it
You surely can make it
You be alright (yeah)

Just take a good look around
Look at the things and all the people
People that you see cause
We share a joy, we share a pain
So it doesn't matter at all
Ohh, were all the same



When you feel like, you know what I’m sayin, like,
When you feel like, there’s nobody you can turn too,
Or when its, shit start getting real out here.
I know how it is man, we can identify with that shit for real.
So I want you to know it’s going to be ok, you know what I mean,
It going to be alright, for real.

As time passes, I’m just keeping the faith,
Composing my thoughts and rearranging my plates.
People ask, I’m just telling them straight,
My girl was throwing up this morning; I’m praying it was something she ate.
Feeling pains in my torso now, I scream fuck the world,
But Mother Nature is taking ortho now, trying to regulate our stress and pain,
And also now, this life hurts a little more, so now,
But I’m still holding on ya’ll.

The pain that you know, evil you see,
I got a feeling that were gonna be alright, everything’s going to be alright.

I can feel the sun shinin, no stress, I’m so blessed,
No regrets, I am my past and my path has guided me, inside of me,
Placed me in spots where tracks be, and cats be so hungry, its so funny.
I want to race against millions, twenty-three years ago,
The buildings flow over peaks, made from a cat over seas,
Exposed to the league, its so peace and so deep,
So who am I to question the signs of crafts ways, of these last days,
It just happens that way, divine designs of life,
Balance that way, the trend surfaced and it all blends perfect.

The pain that you know, evil you see,
I got a feeling that were gonna be allright, everything’s going to be allright.

Baby, no you don’t have to worry,
Baby, no you don’t have to worry about me.

Tuesdays are the new Fridays

It was bright a day as one of re-focus. Made simple, he was alive, reaching for goals far beyond others' grasps, deep as black water. he had awaken this morning with a strange understanding. life as he had known it had worth and this was not a thought to be held alone. it had been validated through a together, sharing children laughter and campfire stories to warm their bodies as spirits previously had. enough was enough with played out storylines, king's jesters were left with their faces painted with fake smiles. even jokers slept un-kept each night, more shook being alone. but they, those unruly individuals, remained as royal as ever.. humbly situating themselves in their positions at prayer circles of life talk.



everythings seemes to make sense when you are not alone. ya duugg?

About Me?

I filled out this questionnaire about myself: dreams, favorites, things like that.. Came up with a mosaic of images that are supposed to represent the way i think or choose what I would like to represent me. I like this, surely I am bound to do more with different topics of interest. For now, this is who I am in some weird photographic way.

"so broke yet soo educated" - e-mass

never understood why the power/ability to take on occupations was never met by being accepted into occupations/fields of study.. stupid equations

at some point, I believe there was a time where the best woodworkers were carpenters and lumberjacks, the best teachers were educated and insightful, the best anything did what she or he did best if only to support her or his surrounding community.

i'm hopeless b/c i've only been taught so much about how to make this world revolve better..
+
i'm hopeful because there are infinite possibilities

= muust stand stronnng! ugghh [if you won't do it, i will.]
i'm going to do this for everyone that has lost faith in themselves and the peers God/dess has blessed them with.

If we had computer love, you could hack my Myspace..

Her double standards restart me.

I take myself back a little and re-wire my system.

I don't understand HTML. =/

It is always always always a decision we make..

"I know they're not recording."

Slowly, but surely I am starting to fit into my own skin. I feel it. All of my relationships, those that I know a piece of me must remain in to find sanity, those are being maintained in some odd (but not) way. I feel like, and trust haha I already see the cliche-ness to it all, this might be the rest of my life. Given, it only takes but a day I do not take for granted, I start to feel extra comfortable in my cycles. Today seemed extra that. Suffix a good night's rest to a bad day's unrest, I awoke to a faint noise, that of the television left on. Those nights happen frequently, too tired to even decide to call it a nite.. I just passed out. We re-moved around the house and no one room feels comfortable enough to me anymore, so I kind of just .. sleep. I woke up extra groggy, I haven't eaten anything substantial in a few days, yada yada. When I wake up, I try to stretch off my sleep and I notice that my physical strength is not comparable to how I normally feel when I wake up. I am starting to recognize my body as a grown ass adult in this game we've always played, giving and gaining energys, running (literally and metaphorically) or walking, constantly dying or living (whether we want to spend today as an optimist or not), passing days by or making 'em. It is always always always a decision we make. The Maker knows my decision making has been poor at best, but I've been alive. Surely, that is not enough. The key to living isn't just being alive. It can't be.. and at this point in time, I feel, and therefore am, weak.

I give myself credit when credit is due, and I wholeheartedly have learned to love myself. This trial has been difficult.. I've lost people I loved more than I knew love to mean because of fault and wrecklessness, lust and tempt. I've weakened foundations in friendships because not telling the truth is always easy. I buried myself deep in regret.. miles under self-hatred and misery. I've come to understand that this.. this is ok. Not something to hold my head up high about, but me, of all people, can tell you a lot about change. Please don't denounce me for the things of my past, for they are menial and lackluster in comparison to the light I would like to shine on this world.. and take my past lightly, in a sense that I was and never have been ill-willed with any of my mistakes. I don't bask in my human-ness, not one bit. That is just the beginning.

As we are all constantly growing up, it is not (in my understanding) my purpose at all to tell people what to do or how to do things more righteously. I am half the socialist, teacher, person, brother, companion, lover, son, folk, fam, etc etc I've ever even dreamed of becoming, but i've never stopped dreaming of becoming. I can't because this world is too dried out. I waterfall this stuff, stream it, cry it. My dreams let me hold on to past loves intimately, not awkwardly or disrespectfully and be active in new ones. My dreams make me whole, more full, smarter in my attempts to make days, not just let them pass.

This all started with me not being able to just.. sleep I guess, feeling alright with the day that just happened. Please don't be presumptuous about any of this haha I'm fine with not having to find reason or acceptance with anything I do or think. They're all thoughts and I just like to think.

Sick, but progressing

I've been sick the past few days, symptoms incl. coughing, stuffy nose, cold sweats, funny voice.  I got home from work yesterday afternoon around 4:45 pm and from then to now (~22 hours) I slept 16.  Now, I feel ten times better but my physical body is stupid weak.  I ate hella jook aka anti-sick aka arriscaldo and other various soups within those days I had been blasted and i'm guessing i'm lackin' all kinds of vitamins and nutrients.  Time to revive!

Break it down like, yeah I don't treat myself well.  In my memory box, it all turns into one extended night, so imagine in my one memory folder for the past week or so I went Bottom's Up right after work, Poleng with Patrick San Weezy and my fam from the Town, Minna for that D2S event where some folks spun [Whattup Daniel.. sign my Don't Eat the Crayons Mix pleaaase hahah] , dinner and bowling with SC folks who don't bowl at bowling alleys and Happy Birthday Sammie!  Then 8am the next morning.  Mean ass way to treat myself, no doubt.

I frequent this point where I want change so badly, but it takes a whole new environment to totally release oneself from certain thoughts like who's not going to drink if we always go to a bar?  Shit like that.. 

I'm going to take the easy route to personal health, and I don't even like Jamba Juice that much... but i'm a stupid ass amerikan who feels better that i'm feeding myself fruits but go and do some stupid shit like outdrink my fifth.  

ehh time to get ready for work.  call me when September ends.

Hope you doing aight up there..

Been listening to Pac a lot lately.  Maybe someday I could join you for a drink?

Thank God for my new used iPod..

ughh.. im a little upset with your decision making. 

Labor Day Weekend

Since Thursday, I participated in one hell of a weekend and it was all pretty tiring. Eric came back from Washington and Jum always wants to show how big we can do it. We did the guido thing haha "shower in that sh*t" and then the usual watering hole.  Sarah joined us and brought along her friend Reanne, pretty sure i didn't spell that right.  Saturday SC for Marelie's b-day (see previous post).  Sunday, did a little St. Francis day celebration.  The sun was warm,  this last 'ideal' summertime effort is quite commendable, San Francisco.  We did the whole union square thing.  Ate dinner at Pizza Orgasmica and had crepes at Genki.  We pondered getting messed up at some random acoustic nite dive but ended up splitting ways (Goodnite Jum and Rob!) and drove to the Stack, me, Bryan, Jill, Justine, and Patrick.  We drank and sang, good ol' Filipino fun.  Car rides always seem to flip errone out.  We talked about relationships again, i think at this point in all our lives, we want everything to be substantial, even our freedom.  A lot of people's interest seems to be based on an ego game everyone plays, wanting or needing to feel loved, appreciated, or attached.  I'm banking on the fact that all my friends are capable of the giving and receiving of love, despite how fucked up, reckless, forgetful, insecure etc etc we allll get haha.

And through all of this, I managed to minimally scratch the bug bites on my belly.. quite possibly, the most physically uncomfortable I have felt since chickenpox.  

Birthdays

Here are the only pictures I took from spending time with Marelie on her birthday.  I haven't had the time to blog really, but this is that.. and that is this. Peace